The Heart of Life
by Handy-Ladies
Summary: "Pain throws your heart to the ground. Love turns the whole thing around. No it won't all go the way it should. But I know the heart of life is good." - John Mayer
1. Chapter 1

**A/N****:** This is a collaborative multi-chapter between Handy-for-the-bus, and A-Lady-To-Me. Look guys, I'm gonna be honest: this story is going to start off tragic, and heartbreaking, but don't hate us just yet. We swear, this is going to be a hopeful story.

We are still writing it, but we have a few chapters already done so we will try to post a chapter every week. :)

Stick with us guys! The first few chapters are going to be rough sailing, but it **will** get better! We promise! xx

**Disclaimer****: **For the love God we hope we never see this on the show...We don't thank Fellowes for a lot, but we do thank him for Banna!

* * *

_"Pain throws your heart to the ground._

_Love turns the whole thing around._

_No it won't all go the way it should._

_But I know the heart of life is good."_

_-John Mayer-_

* * *

John paced a hole in the floor outside the bedroom door of their cottage, waiting in agony for any kind of news. Anna had been in labor for going on 16 hours now, and cries of pain accompanied by her whimpers for it to end tore through his soul like knives. Mrs. Hughes had come out several times to tell him that things were just progressing slowly, and that Anna was tired but hanging in there.

'This can not be normal, surely!' He thought to himself. He was simply beside himself with worry for his wife, and child.

As they approached hour 18, John's knee was screaming for him to quit the pacing. He settled himself down onto the floor outside the door. He had to stay as close to his Anna as he could. He had promised her. As he sat there, he tried to let memories drown out the continuing sounds of her agony.

Anna's pregnancy had come as quite a shock to them. Not that they had been doing anything to prevent it, but after so many years of marriage with no results, they'd begun to loose hope. They, of course, were ecstatic once the initial shock wore off.

Her pregnancy had been a breeze. Outside of a little nausea in the beginning, Anna had been glowing the entire 9 months. John relished in the changes the baby brought to her body, making her more gorgeous to him every single day that passed. They had spent countless evenings talking about the future, and their plans. Anna would knit, while John read aloud to her and the baby, which would then lead them into countless arguments over baby names. He laughed to himself as he thought that they still had not settled on one.

The past few weeks brought the normal complaints, according to Dr. Clarkson. He assured them that her swelling feet, and constant back pain were all normal, and gave Mr. Bates strict orders to make her as comfortable as possible. He was only too happy to oblige.

John was forcefully pulled from his daydreaming by a shrill cry filling the air. A cry he had never heard before. Their baby. Finally. He breathed a huge sigh of relief to accompany the sound of his baby's strong cries, and laughed as he thought about the sleepless nights that cry would surely cause him and Anna. They would gladly bear it together, he knew.

He stood waiting for what felt like hours for Mrs. Hughes to come get him so that he could see Anna, and meet his child. No one came. He continued to wait for an immeasurable amount of time until he could not take it anymore. Just as he was about to knock on the door it finally opened, only it wasn't Mrs. Hughes as he was expecting. Dr. Clarkson quietly exited the room, shutting the door behind him. He barely met John's gaze as he spoke.

"Mr. Bates, may I speak to you downstairs please?"

John's heart hit the floor, and his feet turned to bricks. His mind was screaming at him to go to Anna, to demand that the doctor tell him what was going on, but instead he forced his feet to follow. His heart was racing to the point of causing him physical pain. He followed Dr. Clarkson into the parlor, where he finally met the man's gaze full on. The agony was clear, and in an instant John felt his heart completely shatter.

"The baby…" he breathed.

"Mr. Bates the baby is perfectly fine. You have a healthy daughter." Dr. Clarkson said gently, trying to reassure him.

John truly began to panic then, because if the baby was healthy then that could mean only one thing…

"Mr. Bates…the labor was very difficult for Mrs. Bates. Towards the end, she began to hemorrhage. There was so much blood after the placenta detached, and we had to get the baby out quickly. Which we did, but I am afraid that we were unable to control Anna's bleeding. We have wrapped her, and made her comfortable…" The doctor took a deep breath before continuing. "I'm afraid you only have a few hours left at best. I am so sorry Mr. Bates. Truly I am. Please be assured that we did everything we could."

John felt like he was trying to hear voices under water. He heard the words, but…there was just no way this was happening. They finally had their baby, the future they always wanted, and now…she was dying? No.

"No. You...you're wrong! Anna...she's so young. She can't be dying!" John's voice began to climb in time with his desperation. Dr. Clarkson could see him beginning to fall apart.

"Mr. Bates please...I'm so sorry. I wish there was more we could do..."

"How do you know there is nothing more you can do?! You say she's bleeding...stop it! Bandage her...fix her!" He was gasping for breath. "Please Dr. Clarkson...I can't. I need her, there has to be something you can do. Please." He felt the tears burning hot, threatening to spill over. All thoughts of propriety were thrown out the window as he pleaded with the doctor to save his wife.

The sympathy in Dr. Clarkson's eyes was overwhelming. "Mr. Bates, I assure you we have done everything we can for your wife. I am so sorry. There is nothing more."

His legs gave out on him at the finality of the doctor's words; the sofa catching his fall as he gave way to the sudden rush of grief.

"Does she know?" He whispered the question to Dr. Clarkson who answered him solemnly.

"Yes, she does. She asked for two things…to hold her daughter, and to see you."

John was on his feet before Dr. Clarkson even had the words out. Anna was not going to die; she was not going to leave him after all they had been through…she couldn't. She would fight for him, for their new little family with all she had. Because that was who she was, she was a fighter. In a second's time he was standing at the door, and he took a deep breath attempting to control his wavering emotions.

_This isn't happening_.

He knocked lightly, and slowly opened the door.

_She is going to survive this_.

The first thing he saw were the tears coming down Mrs. Hughes' face as she looked at him. Then his eyes found hers. His beautiful Anna, and he took in the sight of her so pale, and fragile.

He didn't even notice Mrs. Hughes as she silently left the room; his eyes locked with his wife's. They said everything that needed to be said in that one moment. They had never needed words.

"Anna…" He said her name like a prayer, begging her to understand how much he needed her.

"I know…" was her simple reply.

* * *

He slowly approached her, soaking up every ounce of her his eyes could absorb as he did. He felt a slight tinge of guilt that he hadn't taken notice of the bundle cradled in her arms. As he reached his girls he settled himself on the bed next to them, and only then did he pull his eyes away from his wife to observe his daughter.

"She is beautiful, Anna, just like you." He said, as he ran his finger down the sleeping infant's cheek.

Anna had her finger in the babies fist, as she began to speak.

"John…I need you to do something for me." She whispered to him, leaning her head against his chest as he held her.

He kissed the top of her head. "Anything, my love."

"I need you to tell her about me. Everyday. Tell her about me, and our love…I want her to know our story." The tears were falling heavily for Anna, and John had to bite back his own as he replied.

"Anna, I'm not going to have to tell her…because you will be here to share all of that with me."

Her head dropped at his words.

"Anna, look at me." He placed his hands on the side of her face, forcing her to meet his gaze. "You are going to fight this, you are going to survive, and we are going to raise our daughter together."

She shook her head as she spoke, and he felt his heart shatter further.

"I'm trying…I want to, but I can't…it's my time John." She whispered it with such conviction, and he couldn't fight the tears anymore.

"Anna, please…" He wiped the tears from her cheeks with his thumbs, only to make a path for more to fall. "I can't do this alone. What if I'm not a good father…I need you."

She placed the hand that wasn't cradling the baby over his on her cheek.

"You will be a wonderful father, of that I have never doubted. Please believe me John you can do this. You will be her light, and her strength. You will teach her all the things I can't." She began to choke back sobs as she spoke of this unimaginable life where she didn't get to share all these experiences with her husband and daughter. Then he saw something take over in her eyes. A steady resolve that was so Anna. She took a deep breath, and met his gaze full on. Taking his breath away with the intensity her eyes suddenly held.

"I know you can do this, John. I will be with you both every step of the way, I promise." She said the words with such conviction, and then just like that the fire left her eyes. He felt like he was watching his life crumble beneath him from a distance. Like he was outside of his body observing the life seep from his beautiful, vibrant wife. He wanted to attack whatever was taking her away from him.

No, this could not happen. She must live.

"You're right, Anna...you will be here every step." He grabbed her hand, "You will be here. By my side...every step of the way! You are not going to leave me, Anna. I won't let you."

She closed her eyes, and he could see the strength draining from her body. "John..." She whispered. "Don't do this." Anna looked down at the baby, but John couldn't take his eyes off Anna. "You have to promise me you will take care of her. Promise you will be there when she takes her first steps...says her first words...you'll have to fight off the boys when they come knocking..." She laughed lightly. "Be patient with her John. Love her."

John had been shaking his head the entire time she was talking his head in his heads. His heart was screaming 'No!' But he couldn't bring himself to argue with her. She needed peace so she could recover. If this made her feel better then he would promise anything. He gathered her hand in his, squeezing it gently.

"I promise, Anna...I promise."

She took a precious breath.

"Take her, John." She whispered, kissing the baby on the forehead as she handed her to John. He carefully took his daughter into his arms, his eyes steadily on Anna. "She will love you so much." Anna smiled weakly, lying down. "Remind her everyday of how much I love her…how much I love you both." She met his eyes, pouring every ounce of love she felt into her gaze.

"John?" She whispered, her breaths becoming more and more labored.

"Yes, darling?"

"Kiss me." She smiled.

He leaned down and kissed his wife tenderly, then deeply. He could taste their mingled tears, and the sweetness that was Anna. He felt her hand on his cheek, and savored the feel of her so close to him. As the kiss broke he felt a sudden desperation take over him. No. _No_.

As he pulled back her eyes were closed, and her face was alight with the most angelic smile he had ever seen. _Oh God no_. It was then that she breathed her last words.

"I love you, John…forever."

He felt his daughter take a deep breath in his arms, as he watched Anna take her last.

"Anna?...Anna?!" He began to weep. Mindlessly he shifted his daughter into one arm, cradling Anna with the other shaking her. "Anna, no! Please...no." He pressed his forehead to hers letting his tears wet her pale face. "Darling, you can't leave me." He whispered choking on his tears.

He placed a firm kiss on her forehead, and then one to her lips as he brushed her beautiful golden hair away from her face.

"I love you too, my darling Anna. Forever."

* * *

He had no idea how long he sat there. His wife's lifeless body next to him, smile still on her beautiful face, as his daughter slept in his arms. When the baby began to whimper it snapped him out of his haze, and he noticed the darkness had finally fallen outside. A blackness that matched the despair in his heart. The tears were dry, and all he could feel was…nothing. He looked at his daughter wiggling around in his arms, and he felt nothing.

He slowly got up, hardly noticing the stiffness in his leg. He turned, and leaned down kissing Anna on the forehead, and left the room. As he came down the stairs, he was quickly confronted with the figure of Mrs. Hughes…she had waited. One look at the man's face was all Mrs. Hughes needed. The tears began to take over the stoic housekeeper.

Tears. He could not take any more tears.

He handed the baby off to her, grabbed his coat, and left the cottage. The sounds of Mrs. Hughes calling him were muffled out by the roaring of anger that invaded his mind, and possessed his soul.

* * *

_*Ducks!* Please don't hate us! it will get better, we promise! Just stick with us, and please review. :) xx_


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N****: **First of all, thank you SO much for the reviews/follows/favorites! We are so pleased with the response on this story that we have poured our souls into, it means so much to us! With that said, we decided to break our "one chapter a week" rule, and give you Chapter 2 today! Hopefully this helps ease a little bit of the pain from reading Chapter 1...we promised a hopeful story, and we WILL deliver! Just have a little faith. There will be hard times, but Anna is never far away.

From here on out we will try to update every Saturday. Hope you guys stick with us! :) xx

**Disclaimer****: **Same as Chapter 1...Fellowes, don't you dare!

* * *

John just sat there staring blankly into the bottom of the glass of Scotch that was placed before him. He had no idea how long he had been sitting there, or really how he had arrived here in the first place. He just felt…numb.

He was vaguely aware of the barman telling him it was closing time. He slowly rose from his chair, put money on the counter, and left the untouched glass on the table.

He wondered around.

Around the village, the outskirts of Downton…he walked aimlessly, and with no purpose. Because truly, what was his purpose now?

Nothing…he felt nothing.

He registered that it must be late, and he should return to the cottage. He stopped cold in his tracks, as he remembered what awaited him there. But wait…maybe it all had been a horrible nightmare. Maybe he would return home to find his young, beautiful wife holding their newborn daughter. She would scold him for being gone for so long. He had to get back to her.

* * *

He quickly made his way back to the cottage. He opened the door, hung up his coat and hat, and turned to see Mrs. Hughes coming down the stairs.

"Mr. Bates. I was so worried." She spoke softly her eyes full of heartbreaking concern. "After you left I sent word to the Abbey of what happened. Lord Grantham wants you to know that they will take care of everything. The funeral service will arrive in the morning to…" she stopped for a moment to collect herself before continuing, "…anyhow Mrs. Patmore and Daisy brought over some food for you, and milk for the baby so you needn't worry about the wee babe. I laid the poor love down in the nursery upstairs if you want to see her."

She stopped her speech when she noticed the glazed expression in Mr. Bates' eyes. She looked on him with concern as he began to aimlessly wonder the downstairs of the cottage. She noticed he was mumbling, and strained to hear what he was saying.

"I must check on Anna…she was resting…so weak…must make sure she is resting." Mrs. Hughes choked back sobs as she watched the normally so stoic Mr. Bates crumble before her. She approached him slowly, with the purpose of aiming him towards a seat in the kitchen.

"Mr. Bates, you need to sit down…I will make you some tea. Please just…"

He pulled away from her, the haze leaving his eyes as he met her gaze head on with an intensity that made her shutter.

"I must see Anna."

He walked passed her, and up the stairs. She then heard the door close softly, and the lock click into place.

She let the sobs have their way with her as she sunk down into the kitchen chair. Life was a cruel game sometimes. Poor Mr. Bates, and that precious babe. Their Anna had been snatched from them in such an evil twist of fate…sweet, kind, beautiful Anna. She wept silently, until she heard the baby crying from her nursery. Mrs. Hughes gathered herself, and ascended the stairs. Knowing that she must do everything she could for Anna's child, and Mr. Bates as they faced this long, painful journey ahead of them.

* * *

John had no idea how long he had been sitting at Anna's bedside. It must not have been too long, since the sun had yet to rise on this horrific day. He just stared at her lifeless body laying on their bed; waiting in vain for her to roll over and give him that look that always made his heart melt for her. Or pick at him for not being there to keep the bed warm.

He couldn't wrap his mind around the reality of what was happening. She was healthy, and fine not two days ago! How could this possibly happen to someone so young, and vibrant…how could this happen to his Anna? Why, after all they had been through together…all the obstacles they had overcome to be together…why, when they were right at the edge of their happiness was she taken from him?

"Why, Anna?" He said softly. "Why didn't you fight?"

He felt his emotions begin to come back to him in waves. Anger, confusion, disbelief, but above all that was the mind-numbing pain. He couldn't fathom the idea of never hearing her voice again, or her laugh, or seeing her smile. Her passion, love, laughter, kindness, patience, beauty…all gone in an instant. _Forever_.

He felt the numbness fall away from him completely as the sobs wracked his body. He laid himself over her on the bed his head resting on her unmoving chest, hugging her the best way he could.

"I don't know how to live without you." The words came to him in a torrent now, along with the tears. "Why did you leave me here? Why didn't you fight for us? We're supposed to be partners, you and I." He took a deep breath, and whispered to her. "I promised to follow you anywhere…and you made me break that promise." He lay there, softly running his fingers through her hair until the ache in his back became too much to ignore.

He needed to sleep he knew, and then it struck him that this would be the last time they would be in this room together. He lifted himself up, took off his shoes, and climbed into the bed with her. Pulling her close to him, he wrapped his arms around her. He could almost pretend that this was any other night, and she was sleeping soundly in his arms. He planted a gentle loving kiss in her hair, and spoke to her one last time that night.

"I'm so sorry, my love. You saved me so many times, in so many different ways…but I couldn't save you." With that he wept himself into a dreamless sleep.

* * *

He awoke the next morning to the sounds of commotion outside the bedroom. He felt the chill of Anna's still body in his arms, and a fresh wave of grief washed over him as the previous day flooded his mind. He kissed her cold neck, and eased himself away from Anna's lifeless body, returning to the chair next to the bed. This wasn't his Anna anymore, but he couldn't pull himself away from her side. He knew they would be here soon to take her away from him forever, and he needed to spend as much time as he could committing her every feature to memory.

He heard a soft knock at the door, which was soon followed by the soft voice of Mrs. Hughes.

"Mr. Bates? Lord Grantham has arrived along with Lady Mary. They wanted me to let you know that the funeral service will arrive shortly." She spoke softly, as if she was speaking to a wounded animal.

He guessed that was appropriate. He nodded his head as a response, and she quietly slipped out the door. His long ingrained sense of propriety told him he should go and greet His Lordship, and Lady Mary, but that would require leaving Anna…and that was not an option.

It wasn't long before he heard the door opening softly again. He noticed a figure coming into his peripheral vision, and knew it was Lady Mary. She moved to stand across from him, so that Anna lay between them.

"I hope you don't mind Bates, I just wanted to say goodbye. I will leave if you want to be alone, I understand…" He could hear the tears in her voice, and looked up to meet her tear-filled eyes. Anna cared very deeply for Lady Mary, and now it was obvious to him that the feeling was mutual. He nodded his ascent, and moved to stand by the window looking out over the garden.

He was slightly aware of words coming from behind him, but only paid attention long enough to catch the end of Lady Mary's goodbye.

"Goodbye my dear friend." He turned to see the normally stark and stone-faced woman lean down gracefully, and place a kiss on his wife's forehead. The sight was too much, and he turned back around to face the window.

He felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Thank you Bates. Just know that we are all here for you, and the baby…whatever you may need, you need only ask and it is done. Papa insists you take as much time as you need."

John turned slightly and gave Lady Mary an appreciative nod.

He heard the door close, and knew he was alone again. He was rooted to the spot beside the window, unable to move. It didn't occur to him how long he had been standing there until he heard a commotion going on behind him. He turned to see the funeral service was at work preparing to take his wife.

_Anna. No._

He snapped from his haze.

"Wait!" The men jumped at the sound of his voice, and gave him a concerned look.

"I just…I need one last moment with her. Please."

The gentlemen nodded, and stepped outside the door to give him some privacy.

John placed shaky hands on either side of her cold face, cupping her cheeks in his hands like he had so many times before.

"I love you, Anna. I will _always_ love you."

He leaned down, and placed a soft kiss on both of her closed eyes, her forehead, her nose, and lastly her sweet lips. Savoring the last taste of her he would ever have.

As he pulled away, he ran his fingers through her hair one last time, brushing it carefully away from her face.

"My angel…" He whispered to her.

He stepped back and watched as the men took his wife's body away from him, hours after fate had taken her soul. Afterward he laid his head on her pillow, her scent surrounding him, and let his tortured cries reflect the torn remnants of his heart.

* * *

The next several days passed in a blur of blinding pain for John. After the funeral he had barricaded himself in his and Anna's room. Mrs. Hughes had been granted leave to stay with Mr. Bates and the baby until he came around, but she was starting to worry that he would stay in this fog of misery. He had not laid eyes on the baby since the night Anna had died, and not for lack of trying on her part. Mrs. Hughes had gone to him several times with the wee babe, asking if he wanted to hold her, to only be greeted with a blank stare and no response.

He wasn't eating, or sleeping she imagined. He just laid there, with her pillow cradled in front of him, and stared at the wall. Lady Mary had been by a few times, and Mrs. Hughes had voiced her concerns to her.

"Mrs. Hughes, he will come around. I have been exactly where he is right now; trust me. It may take time, but Bates will be all right."

As they quickly approached the time Mrs. Hughes was set to return to Downton, she began to worry more and more that Lady Mary had been wrong. Her request for him to eat that day had been met with a swift, "Just leave me…"

She knew she had to do something.

After the baby was fed, and sleeping she quietly made her way from the nursery to the bedroom. She knocked lightly on the door, and entered without waiting for a reply.

"Mr. Bates, I must speak with you." She spoke softly, not wanting to upset him but needing to inform him of the situation. She took his silence as an ascent, and continued. "Mr. Bates I must return to my work tomorrow at Downton. I am so sorry to have to leave you, but it's time you saw the baby. She is going to need you. She needs her father."

Mr. Bates scoffed at her, taking her off guard. She honestly was not expecting a reaction. She was even more surprised when he continued talking.

"I can't be a Father, Mrs. Hughes. She doesn't need me…what could I possibly give her? No. She needs Anna, and Anna is not here because of her, so I guess that's her own fault now isn't it?" Mr. Bates spat the words, making Mrs. Hughes cringe at their harshness. She knew in her heart he didn't mean them. This was the pain talking, but they stung all the same.

"Of course she needs you! You are her Father. What can you give her? You can give her love, that's what you can give her, and that's what she needs right now is her father's love." Mrs. Hughes said firmly. That was when she noticed him shaking. "Mr. Bates?"

He was sobbing, and whispering. She strained to hear what he was saying, but when she did the knowledge broke her heart a new.

"I was supposed to go first."

"Mr. Bates…you can't…"

"I didn't get to tell her I loved her." He said more calmly, although she could tell the tears were still flowing heavily. "I didn't believe that she was dying. She told me she loved me, and then she was just gone…I didn't get to say it back." He took a shuttering breath as he continued. "And now she's left me here with a daughter who I can't even look at…I feel nothing for her, and that makes me feel awful. I can't do this without Anna. I just can't"

"You can, Mr. Bates. You can, and you know how I know? Because Anna believed in you, she knew you could do this, and that precious baby in there is half of her. She is also half of you, and say what you want but I know you love her very much." Mrs. Hughes reached out and tenderly took his hand in hers. "That baby is living proof of the love you shared with Anna. Don't let your grief shadow the fact that you have a piece of Anna laying in the next room."

Mrs. Hughes quietly got up, and left the room praying fervently that her words would have some effect on this broken man.

* * *

John laid there after Mrs. Hughes left the room, and let the new wave of tears attempt to cleanse his mind of the haze he had been living under for the past two weeks. He had known Mrs. Hughes would have to leave eventually, but he wasn't ready for this. He didn't see how he could care for the child when he couldn't even look at it.

_"That baby is living proof of the love you shared with Anna."_

He let Mrs. Hughes words roll around in his mind. Yes, the baby was proof of their love...a love that had killed her.

The rational part of his mind told him that this was not the child's fault, but logic was shadowed by his anger. If it weren't for that baby his Anna would still be alive.

His thoughts created a mess of conflicting feelings in his mind, ones he could not make sense of. Anger that Anna was dead, guilt because he blamed the baby for it…he couldn't do this. It was not possible to love something that had cost him the reason for his existence.

Then he felt it.

A small warm breeze crossed his body, and he sat up in the bed. He checked the windows but found them both closed. Then he felt it again, this time it wrapped around his body, and he closed his eyes as he let the breeze embrace him. When he opened his eyes again his focus was on the door, and he knew exactly why.

* * *

He slowly got up, his body aching and stiff from so many days of inactivity. As he became more aware of his body for the first time in several days, he realized there was a very real ache in the middle of his chest. He took a deep breath, and placed his hand to the spot feeling his heart beat beneath his hand. He knew in that moment that the ache would always be there. He had a hole in his heart now that only one person could fill...and she was gone.

He shuttered, and then refocused. He had a purpose now, and he would be damned if he was not going to fulfill it.

He quietly exited the bedroom, being careful to avoid the creaky places in the floor, and slowly made his way across the hall to the nursery. Very carefully he opened the door, and took in the room for the first time since. Mrs. Hughes was sound asleep on the small bed in the corner. The bed Anna had insisted they place in there for when the baby was older, or they had guests. He smiled to himself as he remembered how adamant she had been.

Then he turned his head, and focused on the reason for his late night excursion. His daughter. He walked silently to her crib, taking in the sight of her truly for the first time since she was born. He had to fight back a gasp as he watched her laying peacefully in the moonlight.

She was the mirror image of Anna.

Afraid that his wavering emotions would wake Mrs. Hughes, he very carefully leaned down and picked the sleeping baby up. She wiggled a little, but settled quickly in her father's warm embrace. He took his daughter, and went back to their room. When he got back he settled down in the rocking chair Anna had placed in the room for her and the baby. He held his daughter out in front of him, and began to become familiar with her features. She had light blonde curls all over her head, surprisingly pudgy cheeks, and a little button nose. He started a little when he realized that he had never seen her eyes. He caressed her soft cheek, and spoke to her for the first time.

"Two weeks old, and your daddy doesn't even know what color eyes you have."

John broke. He leaned over with his daughter cradled to his chest, and let all the pain and guilt wash over him, his body wracked with sobs. How could he have ever blamed this precious baby for Anna's death? Their daughter. The baby they had waited for for so long, and he hadn't even held her properly until now.

He pulled back to look at her again, and found that she was awake. He met her serene blue eyes, and smiled. This was all he had left of Anna. A beautiful life they had created together out of the deepest love. In that moment locked in his daughters gaze he knew he would move heaven and earth for this little girl, and he felt the ache in his heart lessen.

"I'm so sorry my little love. Daddy is so sorry." He ran his hand along her little head marveling at her softness. "Daddy loves you so much. I will never leave you." As he spoke the words he felt it again. The breeze encompassing him, and his daughter; bringing with it a warmness that filled his heart with love. He knew exactly who was with them in that moment, and unlike his half-hearted promise he had made before; this time he poured every ounce of devotion into his words. "I promise." He said firmly...to both of them. He felt a warm sensation on his shoulder, and then the room was still.

Suddenly a thought struck him, and a new wave of guilt took over as he realized his daughter didn't have a name. He looked down at her lying serenely in his arms, observing him intently.

"You need a name, little love." He smiled as she grabbed his finger in her little fist as if saying, _"Yes Daddy, I do."_

John thought back to the countless discussions he and Anna had shared about names. One particular conversation came to mind, and he knew what name he would give his little beauty. He had argued against the name, but Anna had been adamant that she thought it was beautiful. He looked to the heavens, and smiled. "I'll let you win this one, my love." He looked down at his daughter. "Welcome to the world Clara Elizabeth Bates."

Clara wiggled at the sound of her father's voice, and he took that as an approval from her.

Exhaustion soon took over John as he rocked his little Clara in his arms. When he saw her release a rather large yawn he smiled. "I think it's time for us to go to bed, my little love." He got up from the chair, and stopped himself from taking Clara back to the nursery. He had spent too much time away from her; she needed her father...and he needed her.

He laid himself carefully down in the bed, and placed his daughter lovingly on his chest. "Good night, my darling." He kissed her on the top of her head, and they were both fast asleep in no time.

* * *

Mrs. Hughes started awake the next morning, panicking as she realized she had not been awoken by the baby as per usual. She rushed over to the crib to find it alarmingly empty. She moved swiftly out of the nursery, but stopped as she heard the sound of soft snores coming from the room across the hall. She quietly opened the door to Mr. Bates' room, and smiled widely as she took in the sight before her. Tears rolled down her face as she took in the precious image of father and daughter sleeping soundly together. She knew then that it was time for her to go. She closed the door softly so as not to wake the sleeping pair. Standing in the small hallway she looked to the heavens and whispered. "They'll be just fine, Anna...now that they have each other."

* * *

_Please review! xx_


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N****: **Again, we want to thank everyone for all the wonderful reviews/follows/favorites for this story. We are so grateful! Hope you enjoy this chapter! xx

**Disclaimer****: **Same as chapter 1 & 2.

* * *

The first 2 months passed by quickly for John and Clara. They'd had some rough nights at first, but for the most part Clara was a very happy baby. John was so thankful for that.

The family had gone above and beyond for John since Anna's death. Lord Grantham insisted that he take at least the first 2 months off to care for little Clara, for which John was beyond grateful. He treasured this quality time he had to bond with his daughter.

Lady Mary, and Mrs. Hughes had become regular guests in the Bates cottage. Lady Mary occasionally would bring Master George by, insisting that the children would be close friends. John found he surprisingly connected with Lady Mary now on a level beyond a Lady, and servant. They had both suffered tremendous loss...both unexpected single parents. John found Lady Mary's advice and words of comfort to be the most help, seeing as how she knew first hand the immense pain that this loss entailed.

Mrs. Hughes was a great blessing to John and Clara as well. There had been a few days when she had found John at his wits end, between getting Clara settled and keeping the cottage in order. She would always dive in and save the day. But mostly she found a peaceful scene, either of the pair sleeping in the parlor, or the soft murmur of him as he read to Clara. She usually came loaded down with an abundance of food from Mrs. Patmore, which was always a comfort.

Yes, John was very blessed indeed to have such a wonderful support system around him. But no matter how many people came by to see them, or brought them things...they were still just two, when they should have been three.

John had his moments. Especially at night when the cottage was quiet; the only sound being that of Clara's tiny breaths coming from her little crib he had situated next to his bed. These were the moments when he missed Anna the most. He would close his eyes, and imagine her cradled against his chest, his arms wrapped around her...breathing in the scent of her hair. He could still smell her fresh lavender scent in every part of their home. He would lay there with his eyes closed firmly, but sleep evading him. Instead he just imagined what their life should have been like. What she would say if she were here. How she would scold him for not sleeping.

Every night he played the same scenarios over in his mind, and every night he stifled the sobs that wracked his body and drug him into a restless sleep.

The day was closing in quickly; soon he would have to return to his work at Downton. The family had insisted, with a large push from Lady Mary he imagined, that John bring Clara with him and leave her with the Nanny who looked after Master George, and Miss Sybbie. John had tried to argue, but really what choice did he have? He couldn't leave her in the servant's hall all day. He tried to insist that money be taken from his wages for the care of his daughter, but he was refused.

"It is the least we can do." Lord Grantham insisted. John knew better than to argue, so he expressed his immense gratitude, and began to prepare.

* * *

John was a nervous wreck the night before his return. He hadn't been back to Downton since...since it happened. He had no idea how he was going to handle all the memories that were sure to flood him. At least at home he had Clara to keep him occupied. Clara. He was not looking forward to leaving her. She had been his strength the past few months, as much as an infant can be. He had no idea what he was going to do without her.

"She'll only be upstairs, John. You can do it." He told himself quietly, although he wasn't very convinced.

His anxiety was spreading to Clara making her fussy, and irritable as well. No matter what he had done all night he couldn't get her calmed down. As he paced the bedroom floor with her he looked to the clock and saw that it was going on 2 in the morning. He sighed; he had no idea what to do for her. He had fed her, changed her nappy, read to her...all the things that usually worked just weren't.

"Please little love, please go to sleep for Daddy. Please stop crying." He begged, but she continued to wail.

He couldn't take it anymore...he walked over and laid her down in her crib then sat in the rocking chair with his head in his hands, and cried.

"I can't handle this." He whispered to himself through his tears. "I shouldn't have to be doing this alone."

He sat there for some time in his broken state before he realized that Clara was finally quiet. He looked up, and listened closer. He knew she wasn't asleep, because he could hear her little gurgles she always made whenever someone was talking to her.

Wait.

He slowly stood up, and walked over to her...not wanting to break the spell. The closer he got to the crib the faster his heart began to race. When she was finally in his sight he froze. She was lying there gurgling, and wiggling away; staring at something above her. Her little fist was reaching out in the direction that her eyes were pointed.

The closer he got to her crib the warmer he felt. His heart slowed, and he smiled through the remnants of his tears.

Anna.

When he was standing over the crib, Clara broke away from where her gaze had been fixed before, and locked her blue eyes on John. She was smiling.

He felt his heart burst with love, she had never truly smiled before. He picked her up, and cradled her against his chest; tears still flowing down his face. Now for a very different reason.

"Oh Clara...my little love." He couldn't look away from her little smiling face. He ran a finger down her cheek lovingly, and her smile grew. "You smile just like your Mummy."

As he said the words he felt the warm breeze encircle them. The feeling he had become very familiar with over the past 2 months. As he continued to look down at Clara he whispered softly.

"She's smiling, Anna. A beautiful smile just like yours..." He felt the warmth intensify at his side, and noticed Clara's gaze drift over to the spot. He felt all his doubts fall away from him. In that moment he was reminded that he wasn't doing this alone. He took a deep breath, and sighed. "Thank you, my love." The warmth was gone, but in it's absence he felt peace. He looked down, and watched Clara's little eyes finally flutter shut. He kissed her forehead as he laid her back down in her crib. Patting her tummy lightly he whispered, "Sleep well, my little love. Tomorrow will surely be an adventure for both of us."

* * *

John's breath caught, and his chest tightened painfully as he walked through the courtyard of Downton. His mind flooded with all the memories of moments shared here with his precious Anna. Memories that he would cherish forever, but currently were tearing pieces of his heart out slowly as he walked. Clara was bundled up tight, and he held her snug inside his coat to shield her from the wind. She seemed to sense his despair, because he felt her wiggle so she was closer to his chest. He looked down and smiled as he met her blue eyes...miniatures of her mother's. He drew his strength from his tiny daughter, and continued to walk through the door.

He was immediately caught by Mrs. Hughes.

"Aren't you a sight for sore eyes, Mr. Bates? Welcome back." She smiled kindly.

"Thank you, Mrs. Hughes." He replied as he removed his coat, and unwrapped Clara.

"Lord Grantham asked me to tell you that he would like to meet with you this morning after you get Clara settled with Nanny. Mr. Carson is dressing him so you needn't worry about rushing." She smiled down at Clara as she spoke, and John knew she wanted to hold her. He smiled as he handed her to Mrs. Hughes who gathered Clara up in her arms, and began cooing to her softly.

"I can take care of her while you have breakfast, Mr. Bates. Everyone will be so happy to see you back."

"Everyone?" He asked slyly.

Mrs. Hughes caught his meaning, and winked at him. She disappeared into her sitting room with his strength in her arms. He should have kept Clara with him, but it was too late now. He felt his heart rate quicken as he walked down the hallway to the servant's hall. He stopped at the doorway, took a deep breath, and walked in.

The hall fell silent as he walked in alone...all eyes on him. He felt like he was being crushed by all the sympathy they were shooting towards him. Mr. Carson graciously broke the awkward silence, as he stood and walked towards John, his hand outstretched.

"Mr. Bates...it's so good to have you back." John took his hand with a small smile, but started when he saw the glistening of tears in the stoic butlers eyes. Mrs. Hughes had told John that Mr. Carson had taken the news of Anna's death very hard. That he had told her he felt like he'd lost a daughter. So the tears did not surprise him, it was the presence of them in front of the entire staff that told him how deeply Carson felt the loss of Anna. Mr. Carson met his gaze, gave a solid nod, and released his hand.

"Thank you, Mr. Carson." Then he turned to the table. "Thank you everyone for your support, and kindness. I'm so grateful."

He sat down, and attempted to eat his breakfast while fielding all the questions about Clara, and how they were doing. Mrs. Patmore patted him on the back as she walked by, expressing her feelings quietly with the kind gesture.

* * *

As thankful as he was for everyone's kind words, and concern he was grateful when Mrs. Hughes called him into her sitting room. He walked in to see Clara lying quietly on the settee surrounded by blankets, and smiled.

"Sit down, Mr. Bates. I just want to talk to you for a moment."

He took the seat across from her, his eyes constantly drifting towards his daughter. Mrs. Hughes must have noticed his distraction.

"Are you going to be alright leaving her with Nanny?" She asked softly.

He took a deep breath before answering. "It's going to be difficult, but it's something I must do. I can't very well keep her with me forever."

"No." She replied, thoughtfully before continuing with what she had called him in for. "Mr. Bates, I wanted to ask you about something."

He looked at her then, curious about the sudden seriousness in her voice.

"Have you given any thought to having Clara christened?"

Whatever he was expecting her to ask, that wasn't it. Him and Anna had discussed the topic lightly. He knew it was something she wanted, but seeing as how he wasn't very religious he hadn't given it much thought at all.

"I haven't Mrs. Hughes...but it is something Anna wanted so I should arrange it."

She smiled, "I can take care of that for you if you'd like. Just one less thing for you to fret over."

"I would appreciate that, thank you Mrs. Hughes." He returned her smile, and then remembered something he and Anna had discussed when she brought up the christening.

"Mrs. Hughes, since you have reminded me...Anna and I did discuss the idea, and we also discussed our choices for Godparents. We both agreed that we wanted you to be the baby's Godmother." He noticed the tears flood her eyes at his soft statement.

She took a deep breath, and answered simply, "I would be honored."

They shared a quiet moment as Mrs. Hughes wiped away her tears, then John took a deep breath, and stood to collect Clara.

"I suppose I can't put this off forever." He sighed, cradling his daughter.

She stood as well. "Why don't you leave her with me? She's content, and I can take her up to Nanny for you in a little while."

He hesitated a moment. Maybe it would be easier to leave Clara with Mrs. Hughes, then with an almost stranger.

"Alright. Thank you. Umm...tell Nanny to make sure she has her warm bottle before her nap...and she likes to sleep on her back, but you have to pat her tummy a little before she'll doze off. Oh, and she has to have her lamby with her, which I brought, or else..." He stopped when he realized Mrs. Hughes was giggling. "What?" He asked.

"Oh nothing, Mr. Bates." She placed her hand on his arm, and smiled gently. "I know you're nervous about leaving her, but she is in good hands. You have no need to worry. You can check in on her anytime." He smiled; letting Mrs. Hughes words comfort him.

"You're right, I'm being silly."

"Not silly at all...just a loving father, and there is certainly nothing wrong with that."

He kissed Clara on her forehead, and let her grab his finger in her tiny fist. "Be good for Nanny, my little love. I will check on you later." He passed Clara off to a tearful, but smiling Mrs. Hughes, feeling like he was handing her his own heart disguised in a pink blanket. He turned to leave, but stopped before he left the room.

"Oh, and tell Nanny that..."

She stopped him with a laugh, "Mr. Bates, I will pass along all your instructions...I promise. Now don't keep His Lordship waiting any longer."

He smiled, knowing he was being silly. "Thank you, Mrs. Hughes...truly."

"It's my pleasure, Mr. Bates."

With one last glance at his precious daughter, he left and started up the stairs to meet Lord Grantham.

* * *

He knocked lightly on the door to the library. Since Mr. Carson had dressed His Lordship this morning, he was told to meet him here instead of his dressing room.

He heard his cue to enter, and walked in.

"Bates! My good man, so glad to have you back." He reached one hand out for John to shake, and clapped the other on his shoulder.

"Thank you, M'Lord."

"Please sit down, Bates. There are some things I would like to discuss with you."

John took the offered seat, and felt suddenly nervous as he braced himself for whatever His Lordship had to say.

"Did you get Clara settled with Nanny?" He asked, genuinely curious. John silently gave thanks for such a generous employer.

"Mrs. Hughes is taking care of it for me. I thought it would be easier for me to leave her that way."

"Yes, of course. I'm sure that wasn't easy."

"M'Lord, I want to thank you for everything you, and the family have done for us these past few months. I truly don't..." He hesitated, fighting his emotions before continuing. "I truly don't know how I would have made it without everyone's support. I am forever grateful."

Robert looked on his old friend with concern.

"Bates, it was the very least we could do. You and Anna mean a lot to our family...of course we will support you in your loss...it was a great loss for us as well."

Robert could see Bates struggling, and quickly shifted to the point of their meeting.

"Bates the reason why I wanted to meet with you is to discuss the change to your schedule."

John looked up, confused. "M'Lord?"

Robert couldn't help but smile. "I have discussed things with Carson, and we both agree that it is of vital importance for you to spend as much time as possible with Clara. Therefore we have decided that you will continue your daily duties here, but after you dress me in the evening you will be free to go."

John was shocked.

"Thomas will be taking care of me after dinner. That way you will have the greater part of the evening to spend with your daughter. Which to be quite honest is much more important than dressing me for bed." He laughed lightly, but John still could not form words. He knew he had to come up with something.

"M'Lord, I don't know what to say..."

"You don't have to say anything, Bates. It's something that I want to do. The changes will have no effect on your wages so you needn't worry about that…Bates, simply put I owe you my life. You have been a faithful employee of this household, and a true friend. Let me do this for you, and for your daughter."

John felt the tears threatening, but worked to keep them back. He nodded his head, and met His Lordships eyes. Both men were fighting their emotions.

"Thank you, M'Lord. Thank you so much." He said quietly.

Robert patted his shoulder as he stood, John standing soon after.

"You're quite welcome. Like I said, it's good to have you back."

"Good to be back. Will that be all M'Lord?"

"Yes."

As John turned to leave he remembered something.

"Oh, M'Lord there is something I needed to ask you."

"Go ahead then." Robert smiled at his old comrade.

"Mrs. Hughes reminded me this morning that I should have Clara christened soon. It was something Anna and I discussed briefly, but I had not given much thought to since."

Robert waited for him to continue.

"We also discussed Godparents...and I would like to ask you to be Clara's Godfather. I realize it might be inappropriate, but you have been so good..."

"Bates..." Robert interrupted, noticing that Bates was getting nervous. "I would be very honored." He smiled, and saw the tension leave Bates' face.

"Plus if I'm Clara's Godfather it will give me an excuse to help you both without you arguing with me every step." He winked, and they laughed together.

"Thank you, M'Lord. For everything."

"Of course, Bates."

With that John left, feeling like he would overflow with gratitude at the kindness of his employer, and friend. Then suddenly a wave of grief washed over him, making his heart lurch, and shadowing the gratitude he had just been so full of. He had to steady himself against the wall in the hallway as his thoughts darkened, because as grateful as he was for Lord Grantham's kindness…he would trade it all and more to have his Anna back. He closed his eyes, and pictured the way things should be for them right now. Him making walks to the cottage to check on Anna and Clara throughout the day. Anna scolding him every time he showed up; telling him how he was begging for swollen knee…even though he knew she loved him that much more for doing it. Coming home after a long day's work to the smiling faces of his girls, and reading them into a peaceful night's sleep. In that moment, bundled up with his beautiful little family in his mind, John could feel the completion in his heart.

When he opened his tear-filled eyes to face his new reality, he had to take a deep breath to calm himself. It was in that second of realization of what his life now was, that he discovered that even though he loved his daughter more than anything; they would never be a complete family. There was always going to be a hole in their lives that was the exact shape of Anna. In that moment John made the fierce determination that he would do everything he possibly could to keep Anna's memory alive for his daughter. He had promised after all, and John Bates always kept his promises.

His mind now set, he gathered himself, and made his way towards the stairs that would take him to the nursery. The first of many trips that day, he was sure.

* * *

_Please review! xo_


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N****: **Happy Saturday you darling people! Thank you for sticking with us, and for all the reviews/follows/favorites. You guys are the best!

Things are moving along for John and Clara, though it's not always easy for them. There is always a light...and a warmth nearby :) Enjoy guys! xx

**Disclaimer****: **Same as before.

* * *

It took a little time for John to adjust to the changes in his schedule. Being able to go home in the evenings with Clara was a blessing he had never thought to hope for. Clara was thriving, and John was astounded every day by how much she was like Anna. At six months old, her personality was really starting to show. She was so full of laughter, and light; so much like her mother. Then occasionally she would grow quiet; content to observe her surroundings for a little while. John knew that was a trait she had acquired from him, and thought about how Anna would react to that. _"Looks like I have another brooder on my hands."_ He could hear her voice as clear as a bell, and he gave thanks to whoever was listening that her voice was still so clear to him.

Four months after his return to work, they were finally starting to settle into a routine. Every night after dressing His Lordship for dinner, John would go to the nursery to collect Clara, and have his little nightly chat with Nanny Banks. She was a very kind, and gentle elderly woman who doted on Clara just as much as she did Miss Sybbie, and Master George. She was also very understanding of John's situation, and his frequent visits to the nursery; which made him feel more at ease.

After getting Clara he would head down to the servant's hall to collect dinner from Mrs. Patmore. She never let John leave without a hot plate; even though he insisted he could cook for himself…she would hear none of it.

"I put some strained peas in for the little one, tonight. Let me know how she takes to them." John smiled, and took the basket from her.

"Thank you, Mrs. Patmore. I will give you a full report tomorrow." He replied.

For the past few weeks they had been trying out different foods on Clara. He knew that feeding them was Mrs. Patmore's way of showing she cared, and he was more than grateful for it. Especially with Clara, he had no idea when babies started to eat normal food. He would feel his heart clench at the thought that these were things Anna would have known, and taught him.

Once they left the kitchen they always stopped by to tell Mrs. Hughes good night. Mrs. Hughes had easily fallen into the role of the doting Grandmother. Her and Clara seemed to share a bond that even John couldn't fathom. He was thankful for her, and for the feminine influence she would surely have on Clara as she grew up.

Once they had said their goodbyes, they would begin their journey home; Clara wrapped up tight in his coat. Once there John would light the fires, and they would eat. Which since Clara had started eating regular food usually resulted in quite a mess. She would giggle as John tried every noise imaginable to get her to open her mouth to accept the spoonful of food. Most of which ended up slung across her tray, or on her face. But John did the best he could, and always ended up laughing with her. After giving Clara her bath, and washing off whatever veggie she was covered in that night he would set her in the middle of his and Anna's bed, and let her play with the covers while he readied himself for bed.

Then came John's favorite part of the day. He would sit in the bed with his daughter cuddled close to him, and tell her stories about Anna. It would amaze John to watch Clara become so calm, and quiet as she listened to him talk about him and Anna. Their love, their life together, and how much her mummy had prayed for and loved her. He always accompanied these stories with the few pictures he had of Anna, and one of them together on their wedding day. Clara would point, and giggle whenever he showed her these pictures and it made his heart burst.

After putting the pictures away, John would lay Clara on his chest and sing to her. The rumble of his low voice in his chest never failed to lull her to sleep. He would lie there for a while sometimes, and treasure these moments with his sweet baby. Knowing all too well that she would not be this little for long, and these moments would only be a memory too soon. Sometimes the feel of her tiny breaths against his neck would pull him into his own peaceful sleep. Other nights he would lay her down in the crib that was still by his bed, and be pulled into his sleep by thoughts of his Anna; dreams of her sweet kiss awaiting him.

* * *

It was a dreary, cold morning that found John sitting quietly in the servant's hall awaiting His Lordship's bell. He had already taken Clara up to Nanny, and he felt her absence like he would feel the air being taken from his lungs. It had been a bad night for both of them. He'd had one of his old nightmares…the ones that only Anna had ever been able to pull him out of. This time however she was apart of them. He could see her standing in the distance of the battlefield, full of carnage, and the smell of death…he could see her screaming for him to help her as she was dragged away, but he couldn't get to her.

He had woken up screaming for her, and his screams mingled with that of his frightened daughter. He tried to calm himself down so he could soothe her, but the sobs had him shaking so badly that he couldn't move. They had just laid there crying together. He had finally been able to gather his strength to settle her, and get her back to sleep…but he hadn't been able to sleep himself, and after that horrific nightmare he wasn't sure he ever wanted to again.

He was pulled from his thoughts by the soft voice of Ms. Baxter. He realized she had asked him something.

"I'm sorry, Ms. Baxter, what did you say?"

She smiled kindly. "That's alright Mr. Bates, I was just wondering if you were alright? You seem a little out of sorts this morning. Is little Clara alright?" She sat down across from him.

He liked Ms. Baxter. Once she had gotten herself out from under Thomas' nasty hand, she had been much more open and friendly. He tried to give her a smile in return, but knew it was a weak one.

"I'm fine, and so is Clara. We just had a difficult night that's all. Thank you for asking."

"Of course." She smiled, and John could tell she had something else on her mind.

"Did you want to talk about something else, Ms. Baxter?" He asked kindly.

"I did actually…I don't want to impose, but we are doing another collection for the refugee's. I was wondering if you might have some old clothes you might want to donate? Maybe some old things of Anna's?" She asked the question very delicately, and John could tell she was only trying to help…but he couldn't help the vice that tightened around his chest.

His response came out sharper than he intended.

"No, Ms. Baxter. I do not wish to donate anything at this time." He pushed his chair back, and stood up trying to flee the room as fast as he could. Unaware of Ms. Baxter's concerned gaze following him, he made a beeline for Mrs. Hughes' sitting room.

As he pushed open the door, he was met with the kind smile of the housekeeper, which immediately turned to a frown after she took in his scattered state.

"Mr. Bates? Is anything the matter?" She asked, concern lacing her voice.

"I…I need to go back to the cottage for a moment. Could you possibly…ask someone to cover for me? And check on Clara in a few minutes?" He could feel the lump in his throat rising…he needed to get out of there quick. Understanding poured from her eyes as she answered.

"Of course, that won't be a problem. Go on." She said softly. He gave a muffled thank you, and left.

* * *

An hour later John was standing in the middle of their bedroom. He had no idea how long he had been here…the walk home had been a blur of tears, and searing pain.

He looked around him. It was all here…exactly how she had left it. Her nightstand still held her unfinished novel she had been reading up until the night before Clara was born; along with the picture of them on their wedding day. On her dressing table sat her half used perfume bottle, a gift from him on their last anniversary, her hairbrush, her powders, and the few pieces of jewelry she owned…exactly where she had last left them. He ran his fingers lightly over the objects. Proof that she had really lived, really been a part of this life with him.

He made his way slowly towards the wardrobe, and opened it gently. Her dresses were still neatly hung next to his suits. He felt his eyes burning with tears as he took down her blue dress; one of her favorites…and his. As he sat on the edge of the bed with her dress in his hands, he thought back to the last time she had worn it. Just a few days before Clara was born, on their last trip into the village together. She had looked so radiant, and gloriously happy. If they'd only known…

In a way it felt like she had been gone for longer than six months, but as he replayed his memories it felt like yesterday.

"Oh Anna…" He buried his face in her dress, inhaling her scent, and cried.

* * *

After an immeasurable amount of time John managed to gather himself, and head back to the house. These moments of weakness were a part of his life, and even though he tried his best to contain them…sometimes it was just too much. After letting Mrs. Hughes know he was back, and where he would be, he went straight to the stairs that would take him to the nursery. He needed light; a light that in times like this only his sweet, darling daughter could provide. Someday he would tell her how much she had helped him, how if it hadn't been for her he never would have survived.

Someday.

He knocked lightly on the nursery door, just in case any of the children were sleeping, and was greeted by the kind face of Nanny Banks.

"Hello there, Mr. Bates. Come in." She motioned him into the room. "I was just about to take the children out for a bit of fresh air, would you like to join us?"

"No, thank you. If you don't mind I would just like a moment with Clara. I can stay here with her until you return."

She nodded gently, sensing his tone…she always knew when he was having a difficult day. After getting Master George, and Miss Sybbie bundled up she set off with the toddlers, but not without giving him a gentle pat on his arm.

"You are in my prayers, Mr. Bates. You both are…always." She whispered, and he could only nod gratefully in return.

After they left he turned to see that Clara had pulled herself up on the side of her crib. He smiled, and made his way towards her. She was bouncing up and down, and babbling like she always did when she wanted to be picked up…but she wasn't looking at him. Her little eyes were bright, and focused on the opposite side of the room from where he was standing.

This was not unusual, but it never ceased to amaze him. His mother always used to tell him that the pure mind of a child could see things that our cluttered adult minds couldn't fathom. Shaking his head he got her attention by calling to her, and felt the first true smile that day brighten his face at the gummy grin she gave him.

"Hello there, little love. Daddy missed you." He cooed as he picked her up. She gave the side of his face a gentle pat, but then her focus was back on the other side of the room where she was now pointing. He walked with her over to the rocking chair, and sat down. Holding her out in front of him, he began to try to talk to her, but her attention was elsewhere. What had her so fascinated?

"Clara, look at Daddy." She gave a loud little babble of excitement then she looked at John; her face so full of joy that he couldn't help but smile. Her innocence was exactly the balm he needed. He pulled her close to him, and sighed when she laid her head down on his shoulder.

"Oh Clara. Daddy loves you so much."

Patting her gently on the back, he felt her wiggle further into his chest, her little head settling in the crook of his neck...her favorite place to be. She babbled a little bit more before her breathing deepened, and he knew she was asleep. After the night they had it wasn't long before his own exhaustion took over, and he was right behind her.

* * *

John was woken up later by a worried Mrs. Hughes.

"Mr. Bates." She shook him gently.

He tried to shake off the sleep to respond coherently. "Mmm. Oh, Mrs. Hughes!...I'm so sorry." He had no idea how long he had been in here sleeping.

"That's quite alright, you've only been up here for about an hour. Nanny is not even back yet. But His Lordship is calling for you." She said gently. "I can ask Thomas..."

"No." He was quick to dismiss that; he needed to work. "Thank you, but I will tend His Lordship...it is my job after all."

She smiled, and held her arms out to take the still sleeping Clara. He kissed her little head; breathing in the baby scent of her blonde curls, and handed her over to Mrs. Hughes.

"Thank you." He said, as he got up and left the nursery. Work seemed like a much less daunting task now that he had a nap, and Clara's smile to fuel him.

* * *

The remainder of the day went by surprisingly fast. Before he knew it he was making his way towards the cottage with Clara babbling away in his arms. His thoughts drifted to Anna as he smiled at his daughter. "You are a talker just like your Mummy, little love." She looked up at him and laughed as if she knew what he'd said, and was proud. He couldn't help the smile that lit up his face at hearing his daughter's uninhibited laughter. His heart was learning to simultaneously feel joy, and sadness every time Clara did something he knew Anna would have loved. He treasured these moments of happiness, but felt the hole in his heartache with every laugh, every smile, and every moment. _Anna should be here._

They made it to the cottage, and ate in record time. Clara was too hungry tonight to play around, devouring her mashed carrots like they were the finest soufflé in London. He laughed thinking he would have to give Mrs. Patmore the seal of approval on carrots.

After cleaning her up, and getting her and himself ready for bed he sat down in the bed for their usual story time.

John suddenly had a thought. He had noticed the past week or so that Clara's little baby talk was starting to become more pronounced. Nanny Banks had even told him that she wouldn't be surprised if Clara was saying words soon. He was anxious to find out how true that statement was. Reaching to his nightstand he retrieved the framed photo of Anna, and held it up to Clara who was sitting up in front of him, facing him so he could see her expression.

"Clara, you know this is Mummy, right little love?" He asked, and smiled when she pointed to the picture and laughed.

"Can you say 'mummy' Clara? Say 'mummy'..." He waited, but she only pointed, and did her usual baby talk.

"Clara, look at Daddy." He put his finger under her chin, and she looked at him. "Say 'mummy'." She looked at him a moment like she was trying to figure out what he was saying, then she returned her gaze to the picture, and continued babbling. He sighed...maybe it was too soon. He would just have to keep working with her.

He froze when he heard a familiar word mingle in with her gurgles. He looked down to see Clara still looking at the picture of Anna.

"Mama mamama..." She said, and his heart burst.

"Clara! Say it again, say 'mama'..." He waited, and she looked at him then back at the photo.

"Mama."

He felt tears well up in his eyes as he pulled his daughter into his arms.

"Oh you did it, little love! You said your first word!" He held her against his chest for a moment, and felt the tears trail down his cheek. "Oh Anna...her first word, and it was mummy. I know you're feeling very proud, love." He smiled through his tears. Then he heard Clara against his chest.

"Mama mama." He looked down at her, and noticed she wasn't pointing to the picture. Her little hand was reaching towards Anna's side of the bed. John felt the now familiar warmth permeate his body, and fill his heart.

She hadn't missed it. Of course she hadn't.

John held Clara out in front of him, and rested her against his raised leg. She kept her eyes fixed on what could only be Anna, as she kept saying 'mama' over and over. He felt a stab of jealousy flow through him as he watched her, which he quickly pushed aside…although it lingered. He would give anything to see Anna again...to hear her voice...to hold her. But if that wasn't possible for him then he was overjoyed that such a privilege was given to their daughter, for however long it lasted.

He watched her intently, and was taken aback when her words changed. Suddenly she looked at him, and as clear as a bell said "dada dada." He was stunned into silence. He hadn't said a word about 'dada'...how had she?...

_Anna._

His Anna was never one to take all the glory, as proud he was sure she was that Clara's first word had been her name. He knew she would insist that her very next word be his.

"Thank you, darling." He whispered, as he watched his daughter release a large yawn, and laid her against his chest. He closed his eyes as the warmth intensified, cradling both of them. He felt a breath at his cheek, and then she was gone.

As he let his daughters easy breaths relax him, he felt the tears begin to flow once again. It wasn't perfect, this life with just the two of them. They had good days, and bad days. Peaceful nights, and nights where they consoled each other with their tears...but he took comfort in the fact that they were never alone. True to her word Anna was still here with them. In any way she could be, even if it wasn't anywhere near the way he wished for. Sleeping at his side, watching their daughter sleep, kissing each other good night.

He let Clara's soft breathing, and the memory of Anna pull him into a much more pleasant sleep filled with all the moments he longed to share with his two perfect girls.

* * *

_Of course Clara's first word was 'Mama'...did you ever doubt? :) Hope you liked this chapter. Please review! xx_


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: **Happy Saturday to all! Thank you for all your reviews, faves and follows. It means the world to us knowing that you guys are sticking with this story :D

Alright, here it is the new chapter. Clara is turning one, and John wants to do his best to honour both his daughter and wife. Will he find a way? Or will the shadow of his wife's death spoil his mood for his little girl's special day? One thing is certain, Anna is always by their side.

This chapter is divided in 2 parts.

**Disclaimer: **Same as before.

**Enjoy!**

* * *

_"John?"_

_Her voiced called to him like an angel. An angel who was standing in their kitchen covered in flour. He smiled as he soaked in the sight of her before him. Letting her beauty wash through every piece of his soul._

_"Yes, my love?" He asked innocently._

_"Don't just stand there, and look at me John Bates. We have to get this cake done before Clara wakes up from her nap. I want it to be a surprise for her." Her voice was a mix of excitement and exasperation._

_He couldn't help but giggle. She was adorable. "Darling, she's turning one...not ten. I doubt she will have any idea what's going on. Much less that it's her birthday."_

_Anna rolled her eyes. "Well she's only going to have one first birthday, and I want it to be special." She turned around to resume her work. He couldn't take his eyes off her. He approached her from behind, and wrapped his arms securely around her waist, leaving a soft kiss on her neck. He felt the stress leave her body as she relaxed in his arms. He kissed a trail up to her ear, and whispered to her._

_"I'm sorry, my love. You are right...our baby girl is growing up, and we need to make this day special for her. How can I help?" She stopped what she was doing, and placed one hand on his forearm._

_"Well...you can start by catching up." He could hear the smile in her voice._

_"Catching up?"_

_"Yes." She turned suddenly, and smeared flour all over his face. He coughed, and wiped it off to see her doubled over with laughter in front of him. He couldn't help but return her laughter._

_"Oh so that's how it's gonna be, Mrs. Bates." He growled as he reached his hand towards the counter, securing a handful of the offending powder. She started to retreat slowly, a smile wide across her face._

_"John, don't you dare." He stopped and watched her relax, then blew the flour into her face. She stood shocked for a moment then lunged for the counter._

_"Oh, you are in for it now!"_

John woke up from the dream smiling; letting the tears stream down his face. He didn't want it to end...he never wanted the good ones to end. Slowly he rolled over to face her side of the bed, bringing his hand up to rest on her pillow.

They were only one week away from Clara's first birthday. A day which should be filled with so much joy and happiness, but one that he was ashamed to say he was dreading. He felt like her birthday was shadowed by the tragedy of Anna's death, and he didn't want that for her...but how was he to avoid it? He could hardly wrap his mind around the fact that it had been an entire year. A year without her voice, her laugh, her beauty...thank God for Clara. He told his daughter all the time, even though he doubted she understood, that she was his only reason for living. He woke up every morning for her. His every breath was for her. He loved Clara with everything he had, but he just didn't see how he could celebrate a day that had been the single worst day of his life.

He wept silently until sunrise, and until the sound of Clara's morning babbling became more insistent. She was an early riser just like her daddy. He couldn't help a small smile thinking about what Anna would have to say about that. He eased himself out of bed, wincing slightly as he rubbed his stiff knee. Then made his way over to Clara's crib, which was still situated on the wall next to their bed. He just didn't have the heart to move her to the nursery yet. The sounds of her little breaths, and gurgles always soothed him...made him feel less alone as he laid in the empty bed every night.

As soon as he was in her line of sight she gave him her biggest smile, and began to kick and reach for him. Recently she had even taken to pulling herself up on the side of her crib sometimes, which Mrs. Hughes had told him was a sign she was close to walking. Her crawling phase had been adventure enough, he had no idea how he was going to handle walking. He shook off his thoughts to greet his very happy baby.

"Good morning, little love. Did you sleep well?" He watched her play with her toes as she replied. "No no no." He couldn't help but laugh. 'No' had become her new favorite word over the past month or so. Occasionally he could get a yes out of her, but normally her response to every question was a string of No's. Last night he had asked her if she was ready for her bath, knowing her answer, but seeing the sly little smile she gave him while she peeled off with "no no no," never failed to make him laugh. He lifted her into his arms. She curled up against his chest, with her head on his shoulder and he breathed in her baby scent as he kissed her on the head. "Daddy loves his morning hugs from his girl." He kissed her head again before heading downstairs.

After breakfast John managed to get the two of them dressed and out the door just in time. Clara had been a little too fascinated with John's game of "where's daddy" under the blanket. Her laughter was the perfect medicine, and he didn't have the heart to stop. He would have been content to play with her all morning, but alas work beckoned. He made his way to Downton feeling a little lighter after the bright morning they'd had.

They did their usual round of greetings through the servant's hall upon arriving. Everyone was always happy to see little Clara, especially Daisy who had taken quite a shine to her. After telling everyone good morning he made his way upstairs to drop her off in the nursery. This part of his day never got any easier...even after many months he still had trouble leaving her. Nanny Banks helped with that immensely. She was so caring and loving with all three of the children, and John felt more than comfortable leaving Clara with her.

"You be good for Nanny, my darling. Daddy will see you a little later." He kissed her chubby little cheek before handing her off to Nanny. As he was heading for the door he heard her little voice call out to him, "Bye Dada." His heart swelled. Every time she said anything he felt like he would burst with joy and pride. He turned, and waved to her. "Bye, little love." Blowing her a kiss, he left the room.

* * *

John made his way slowly to the servant's hall for luncheon after checking on Clara. His knee was giving him more problems recently, but he simply brushed it away. He was stopped at the bottom of the stairs by Mrs. Hughes who was sticking her head out of her sitting room door.

"Mr. Bates, might I have a moment before luncheon?" She smiled.

"Of course." He replied, making his way to her and closing the door behind him.

"Please have a seat." She gestured to the chair in front of him.

He hesitated slightly as he sat down. "Is something wrong?" He asked.

"Oh no, of course not." She reassured. "I only wanted to ask you what your plans were for Clara's birthday next week?"

He fidgeted nervously with a piece of invisible fuzz on his pant leg before answering.

"I hadn't really thought much about it, to be honest." He almost whispered, and the ever intuitive woman immediately picked up on his hesitation. She leaned forward.

"Mr. Bates." She said softly, her voice laced with understanding. He met her eyes then.

"I understand why you don't want to think about this. But...this is something that is going to be a part of your life now. Clara's going to have a birthday every year, and every year it is going to fall on the same day. _That_ day." She spoke with all the kindness in the world, but the words still stung.

He snapped. "You don't think I know that, Mrs. Hughes? You don't think I wish that my precious daughter's birthday didn't have to be shadowed by her mother's death? I don't want that for her, that is a burden she should not have to bear. But I don't….I don't…." He broke down, letting the tears roll down his face as Mrs. Hughes moved to comfort him. She placed her hand gently over his own, and he took a deep breath before meeting her own tear-filled eyes. He continued, "I don't know how to bring light to that day. I don't know how I can celebrate a day that ripped my life apart." He whispered.

"Mr. Bates, I know this is an impossible situation….but this is not what Anna would have wanted. She would want you to see this day as a celebration of Clara's life. Because, even though that day is cast in shadow, it is still the day that beautiful wee babe blessed all of us with her presence. Surely that's worth celebrating." Mrs. Hughes patted his hand softly, and gave him a weak smile. She was right. Anna would not want his mourning to be a dark cloud over the celebration of their daughter's life.

"You're right….but I still want to honor Anna in some way. I just don't know how." He said, unable to disguise the sorrow in his voice.

"Of course we will; we will think of something." She smiled. "The reason why I brought it up is because Her Ladyship, and Lady Mary both approached me yesterday asking me about your plans. They would like to have a small party here for her, with the family and the staff. And they wanted me to ask you if that was alright."

John was taken aback by the question, even after everything that they had done the past year for him and Clara it still surprised him. He thanked God everyday for this wonderful family who he worked for.

"That is very kind of them, but I don't want them going through all the trouble. I mean she probably won't even remember this day." He looked over to see Mrs. Hughes shaking her head.

"They were quite insistent, Mr. Bates. I don't think they will take no for an answer, especially Lady Mary. Plus remember it or not, it is still a special day for little Clara." She smiled.

He shook his head, knowing he didn't stand a chance against the determined women. "Very well, I will make sure I find Lady Mary and Her Ladyship and express my gratitude." As he stood to leave, he was stopped by one last word from Mrs. Hughes.

"Mr. Bates, I hope you know you can always come to me. Grief is not a burden that should be carried alone. I am always here...for both of you."

He turned to see her looking on him with concern in her eyes. He had no idea where he would be without this wonderful woman and her kindness.

"Thank you, Mrs. Hughes. Truly." He gave her a weak smile, before heading towards the servant's hall for luncheon.

* * *

John let out a heavy sigh of exhaustion as he opened the door to the cottage that night. It had been a very long day, and carrying his bouncing, energetic daughter home had been a sign that it would most likely be a very long night as well. After lighting the fires he set Clara down in the floor of the small living room, and placed some of her toys around her to keep her occupied while he made himself some tea. The house had been entertaining that night so they had eaten dinner at the Abbey. He'd found a rare opportunity amidst the preparations to pull Lady Mary aside to give his approval for Clara's party, and express his thanks. He could see the excitement in her eyes as she spoke. _"Thank you, Bates. It is a day that should be made special...for both of you, and we will see to that."_ She had softened her gaze as she spoke her next words more poignantly. _"I believe it's what Anna would have wanted."_ With that she had given him a gracious smile, and left him.

He couldn't help but feeling that she was right. All this fretting he had done over that day. How it had been the single darkest, most horrific day of his life….he had failed to remember that it was also the day that his Clara had taken her first breaths. Breaths he now very much relied on to survive. Him and Anna had prayed so hard for a child, and when they were finally blessed with the news of her pregnancy he had never seen Anna happier than she was in those months. Of course she would want this day celebrated, of course she would want a fuss made over Clara.

He smiled to himself as he finished up making his tea, and made his way back to the living room. Easing himself on the couch he settled in to watch Clara work off some of her energy playing. Hoping that it would lead to a peaceful night for both of them. He had just barely sat down when she turned to him.

"Dada no dada." She gave him a toothy little smile, which he couldn't help but return.

"What is it, little love? You don't want Daddy sitting down for a rest?" He replied in the slightly higher pitched voice he used only with her. If he was having a good day he would sometimes get in the floor and play with her. On the days when his knee acted up he had to be content with watching her from the couch. She was getting to the age where she would be having none of that, and he shuddered to think that he might be a disappointment to her. "She's only one, John...and you could never be a disappointment to her." Anna's voice always rang in his head in his moment's of doubt.

He was pulled from his brooding by Clara's insistent voice.

"No dada!" He watched her in amusement as she crawled from her pile of toys over to the small table that was closest to her. His amusement turned to something slightly closer to shock as he watched her pull herself up using the table for support. Before he could put his cup down to help her she turned towards him, and began moving on wobbly feet towards where he was sitting. The tea cup discarded, he opened his arms to her.

"Come to Daddy, Clara. Walk to Daddy." He was beaming, and almost bursting with excitement. His enthusiasm made her giggle, and the action threw her off balance. Luckily she was within his reach, and he caught her up in his arms before she could even get close to falling. Lifting her over his head he could hardly believe what had just happened. She laughed as he held her in the air.

"You did it Clara. You took your first steps! Daddy is so proud!" He lifted her up and down over his head just like she liked. Then brought her down for a hug. "Oh darling, you are growing up too fast." He held her tightly to him. This was one of the moments Anna had asked him to be there for. He knew in his heart that she never doubted he would be. He smiled as he held Clara close to him...she was always content to lay and listen to the beat of his heart, just like Anna. He felt a tear escape the corner of his eye. "Oh Anna, she walked. Our darling girl is getting so big. I know you are watching...I know you saw her, love. I know you're proud, just like I am." They sat in silence together, the three of them. He knew she was there….he always knew.

He felt Clara yawn, and held her out in front of him seeing the smile still on her face. "Can you give Daddy a kiss, Clara?" He asked pointing to his cheek. She climbed up his torso, and placed a loud, wet kiss where he had pointed. She then pulled back to look at him, and pointed to her cheek. "Ki dada."

"If you insist." He replied smiling, before giving her a kiss on her little cheek. He sighed as she settled herself back against his chest. "Are you ready for bedtime, little love?" He asked, and was surprised when he got a yes in response to that. Smiling, the pair made their way upstairs knowing that sleep would find them quickly that night.

* * *

Before they knew it the day was upon them. John had wished Clara a happy birthday when they woke up that morning, but he didn't feel like his heart was in it….the guilt that overcame him was heavy. He tried to brush it away, and remember his resolve from last week but it evaded him.

The party was set for that afternoon, and the house was a buzz of activity when they arrived. Clara soaked up the attention like a sponge as everyone cooed over her. Mrs. Hughes stood silently in the doorway of the servant's hall taking in the scene, and John turned as he felt her eyes upon him. She gave him a nod of understanding and compassion, before turning to head back down the hallway. He could do this...for Clara he would do anything.

* * *

The party was going splendidly. Clara was enjoying every moment of the festivities, and seeing her so happy helped relieve John of all his worries. He only hoped that Anna was watching, and could see their joyful daughter with her own eyes. As everyone stood around chatting, John watched Clara playing in the grass with Master George, and Miss Sybbie. The three got along so well, and he couldn't help but laugh as he watched Clara try to mimic little Sybbie's every movement. He felt a presence beside, and turned to see that it was Mr. Branson.

"I have a feeling they are going to be the best of friends, those three." Branson said, giving John a kind smile which John returned.

"I do believe you might be right, Mr. Branson."

They stood in peaceful silence as they watched the children play in such harmony. Without the burdens of social standings, or responsibilities...they were just free to be children. It was such a refreshing sight for both men.

Tom was the one to break the silence. "It's a blessing isn't it? To have a piece of her…" He let the words hang between them, and John had to take a deep breath before replying.

"Yes...yes it is, that." He almost whispered. Of course, Tom knew exactly what John was going through.

"I remember how I felt at Sybbie's first birthday. It felt almost as if by celebrating the day I was somehow...celebrating her death." Tom took a steadying breath before continuing. "Bates I know how hard this is. Forgive me if I'm speaking out of turn, but you aren't dishonoring Anna's memory by being happy on your daughter's birthday." He took a moment to let that sink in before continuing. "Anna and Sybil would probably give us a good talking too if they knew how we were carrying on." He lowered his head , and laughed lightly before turning to John who had a half smile on his face after Tom's last statement.

"You're right." He replied.

"You know every year on her birthday, Sybbie and I visit Sybil's grave. We take flowers to her, and just spend some time with her. Some people don't understand that, and think it odd...but I just feel like it's a good way to honor her. And I hope in the future that Sybbie will feel closer to Sybil because of it." Tom gave John a pointed look, as if he was trying to give John advice without being too forward about it. John appreciated that. He hadn't been to Anna's grave since the funeral, but the wheels were churning in his head listening to Mr. Branson's words. He had been trying to think of a way to incorporate Anna's memory into this day...maybe this was it. All John knew was there was no way he could do it alone. As he scanned the small group of people he realized he knew just who to ask.

He turned to Tom, and held out his hand. "Thank you, Mr. Branson. You have no idea how much you have helped me. I might be a man of few words, but I wanted you to know that." Tom smiled as he shook his extended hand.

"Any time, Bates. Mary and I...we are always here for you." He patted John on the shoulder before letting go.

"Mr. Branson, would you mind standing here with the children a moment? There is someone I need to speak to."

"Of course, I don't mind at all." Tom smiled.

"Thank you."

With that John set off across the yard towards Mrs. Hughes.

* * *

_Part 2 will be posted next Saturday :)_

_Please review! xxxx_


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N****: **Here we are again, Happy Saturday! So sorry for the delay in this update, real life got in the way for both of us. Thank you to everyone for the support for this story. It means the world to us!

This is part 2 of Clara's birthday. John has decided how he wants them to honor Anna, thanks to Mr. Branson, but he needs a little support from Mrs. Hughes to make it through. Will it prove to be too much for him, or will Clara be able to keep him steady as she has done so many times before?

Side note for anyone who is interested: while writing this chapter we listened to the song 'All of Me' by John Legend. It is a beautiful and very Banna song, and during a certain scene in this chapter it will definitely get the water works going.

Enjoy, and please leave a review to let us know what you think. We love reviews! :) xx

**Disclaimer****: **Same as Ch. 1-5

* * *

After talking to Mrs. Hughes, John went over to collect Clara so they could make their rounds to thank all the family for the party. Lady Mary had asked to hold Clara for a bit while he talked with Lord and Lady Grantham. After expressing his deepest gratitude, he turned to see Lady Mary sitting on a blanket playing with Clara. It was a rare sight to see the normally reserved woman being so carefree, and joyful. John stood within earshot, and watched the two play together for a moment.

"You know little one, your Mama and I used to play together when we were little. We would have so much fun together." John smiled listening to Lady Mary reminisce. He could easily see a young Anna and Lady Mary playing together much like Clara and Sybbie; free of the bounds that society put on them. He watched Lady Mary as she ran a finger down Clara's cheek gently, gaining her attention.

"You look so much like your Mama, little darling. So much." He could hear the catch in Lady Mary's voice. He wasn't the only one who had lost a best friend that day. Mary picked up Clara and cradled her closer to her. He watched as Clara patted her gently on the face, and pointed to the other side of the blanket.

"Mama pay." Clara pointed insistently, and John felt his heart beat quicken just as it did every time Clara acknowledged Anna's presence. Lady Mary, of course, was oblivious to what was happening.

"What is that, little one? You want to play?" She asked, handing her a toy.

"No. Mama pay." Clara reached out with the hand holding the toy as if trying to hand it over. John took this as his cue to intervene. He shook his head softly, and smiled at the wonder of his daughter. She never ceased to amaze him. Lady Mary looked up as he reached them, and sat down on the blanket.

"Clara was just displaying her growing vocabulary for me." Lady Mary said, smiling.

"Oh yes, she has learned quite a few words. Although she usually just likes to say no to everything." The two laughed together as Clara interrupted them with a string of no's as confirmation.

They sat in peaceful silence for a few moments before John felt it was time for them to take their leave.

"I'm sorry M'Lady, but I'm afraid we must go now. There's one thing I wanted to do before the day comes to an end." John stood so he could help Lady Mary up from the blanket. "Thank you once again for everything." He said smiling.

"Of course, Bates. It was quite fun for us to organize it, and of course it was worth it...all in Anna's memory." Lady Mary spoke quietly, looking down at Clara again, and trying to mask the tears forming in her eyes.

John smiled, but turned away to give Lady Mary a moment. He bent down and moved to pick up Clara who was watching the adults standing above her. "Let's go Clara. Say goodbye to Lady Mary."

"Bye bye." Clara said, with a playful smile on her lips.

"And thank you. Say 'thank you' Clara." John persuaded.

"No, no, no." Clara trailed off, hiding her face in the crook of John's neck.

"Clara...that's not polite, darling."

"It's quite alright, Bates. I accept her 'no's' as a thank you." Lady Mary smiled. As John began to walk away he was halted by Lady Mary's voice.

"Oh, and Bates?"

"Yes M'Lady?" He turned to see her with a tearful smile.

"I just wanted you to know that we all think you are doing a lovely job with her. Anna would be proud."

John felt his throat tighten, and tears sting his eyes. Lady Mary seemed to understand, and the two shared a simple nod and a smile before he turned to walk away; Clara clinging tightly to his neck as he held her in his arms. As always Clara sensed his mood, and pulled away just enough to give him a loud kiss on his cheek, before she broke out into a fit of giggles.

"You silly beggar." He smiled back at her, and leaned down to blow a loud kiss on her cheek in return. She laughed and said, "gan dada, gan!"

After appeasing her a few more times she finally settled for playing with his hat while he walked towards Mrs. Hughes.

Unbeknownst to them Lady Mary had watched them as they walked, and had witnessed the whole sweet exchange between father and daughter. The moment they had left she had felt herself growing slightly colder...almost as if Clara had taken some of her warmth with her. Being close to Clara always made her feel warmer somehow, as if by being with her she was with Anna as well. She supposed that was very close to the truth of the matter. Clara was all that was left of her dear friend, and oh how she missed Anna...so much.

Mary had no doubt in her mind that Anna was watching over her little family, just as she was sure Matthew was watching over her and George.

Bates, the man she loved with all her heart...the man she had fought so hard to be with. And Clara...the daughter she had always wanted. The blessing she'd thought had passed them by. Mary had lived Anna's story with her, been as much of a confidant for Anna as she was for her. She knew how deep her love was for her family, which is why she never doubted that Anna was their guardian angel.

Bates had certainly risen to the challenge of a being a single parent; much more gracefully than she had. She'd meant what she said to him, Anna would have been proud. Ever since Anna's death Mary sometimes found herself wondering how Matthew would have coped had she been the one who died. She had no doubt he would have been much like Bates...the doting father to their son.

She watched John and Clara in the distance now speaking with Mrs. Hughes. The three of them were leaving, and she couldn't help but smile. Thank God for Mrs. Hughes, she thought, Bates needs her. He was a wonderful father, but every man needs a woman to sort him out, and Mrs. Hughes was that woman now. Much like Isobel would be, if it was just George and Matthew.

Her thoughts full of Matthew, Mary turned away from the Bates' to find her son.

* * *

After fetching Mrs. Hughes, and saying their last goodbyes; the trio made their way towards the cemetery. Their walk was made mostly in silence as they contemplated where they were going and why. John felt his nerves take flight inside of him. He hadn't been back since the funeral...the thought rang loudly in his mind as they walked. Clara was only able to pull him from his revelry occasionally with her little insistent words. He could hear Mrs. Hughes carrying on a play conversation with Clara, but he couldn't bring himself to join in their fun.

What was it going to be like being there...at her grave? Knowing that she lay beneath the grass. How was he going to handle seeing her name written in stone? The years printed below a reminder of a beautiful life cut short by the unfairness of death. How had they deduced Anna's time on this earth? Beloved wife and mother…but she had been so much more than that.

John came to his senses once when they stopped to buy some flowers, and again as they approached their destination. His anxiety was increasing exponentially the closer they got to Anna's grave. Even though it had been a year it all came flooding back to him as if it was yesterday. His feet lead him to the spot he knew was hers almost as if a force was pulling him to her.

Coming face to face with her headstone, John felt the tears stinging his eyes once again. Will the tears ever stop? He thought to himself, even though he knew the answer to that.

"It's well taken care of." He said, turning his head towards Mrs. Hughes.

"Of course it is, Mr. Bates." She smiled kindly. "I come here every Sunday after church, and place fresh flowers here for her. I know how she loved them."

"Yes she did." John replied quietly. "Thank you." He turned, facing his wife's grave again.

Standing there John realized that Clara had been absolutely silent ever since they had arrived. He was constantly amazed at his tiny daughter's perceptiveness. When he looked at her face he saw that it was fixed on the stone in front of them...almost as if she knew the significance of why they were there. Turning back to Mrs. Hughes he silently traded his cane for the bouquet of flowers she was holding, Anna's favorites...white roses and lavender. He remembered how he used to tease her about why they were her favorites. He insisted on their first anniversary after his release that the white roses represented her innocence and the purity of her soul, and the lavender the countryside that she loved so much….and because she always smelled of lavender, that was his favorite too. He smiled as he remembered how she had laughed at his description, _"Well aren't you the poet, Mr. Bates."_ Her laughter still rang true in his ears, and he could still feel the press of her lips that effectively silenced their chuckles for quite some time.

He was pulled from his memories by the feeling of Clara's small hand resting on his cheek. Her attention had shifted to the flowers he now held in his hand. Her gaze moved back to him, and she smiled as she let out a long "Ooooooh." He couldn't help but smile back.

"These are for Mummy, Clara."

"Mama?"

"Yes, little love, these are for your Mama. Do you want to give her one?"

Clara clapped her hands together, and reached for John to hand her a flower. He pulled out a single white rose, making sure there weren't any thorns that could prick her, and handed it to her. John turned for a moment, and noticed that Mrs. Hughes had moved to sit on a bench situated not far from them but far enough to afford them some privacy.

Turning back he gently sat Clara down on the ground before moving to sit himself next to her. This wasn't easy, and he winced at his wretched knee, but he managed after a time. He pulled Clara into his lap where she snuggled up to him; her little gaze fixed on him with those curious, questioning eyes of hers that were so much like her mother's. He smiled tenderly at her.

"Little love, see that name there?" He asked pointing at the name on the stone, unsure of whether she understood, but wanting to tell her all the same. "It says, Anna May Bates."

"Mama!" Clara said excitedly, taking John by surprise.

"Yes darling, that is mama's name, that's right." He smiled, tears burning in his eyes. He was silently glad to know that all the stories he was telling Clara were sinking in, even at such a young age.

Pointing to the rose he had handed Clara earlier he said, "Why don't you give Mummy your flower now? Lay it right here." He motioned towards the ground in front of the stone marker...what he was not expecting, but shouldn't have been surprised about, was what Clara did next.

"No dada." She said insistently. "Mama!" Clara reached out, flower in hand, off to the side of where John was sitting. John watched in total amazement as his daughter laughed with the flower in her hand, before turning back to John. "Mama heeeee." She sang in her musical voice, he could only shake his head and smile.

"Does mama like her flower?" He laughed as Clara nodded her head. "Well why don't we place it right here for now, alright?" He asked, pointing to the spot on the ground again. As if his daughter couldn't amaze him anymore, she turned very solemn, and kissed the rose before placing it exactly where John had asked her to.

"Mama." She said quietly, looking up at him.

"Yes, little love, Mama." He said holding back a sob. His tears were streaming down his face now, his daughter's actions causing him to be unable to hold in his wavering emotions anymore. He quietly placed the rest of the bouquet right next to Clara's rose.

"Come here." He said pulling Clara closer to him. "Daddy needs a hug, little love." Clara didn't say a word; she simply crawled up from his lap and latched her arms around his neck. As she buried her face in his shoulder he took a moment to breath in the scent of her. She smelled of lavender, and sunshine which reminded him so much of Anna. But Clara still carried that baby smell that he cherished, knowing it would leave her all too soon.

There was something he wanted to say, although he wasn't sure if Clara would understand, he felt like he needed to tell her. She often surprised him with all that she took in; maybe she would understand. Pulling her back into his lap, and getting her attention he began to speak.

"Clara there is something I want you to know. This right here," he pointed to the stone, "this is where mummy is resting. But Daddy wants you to know that this isn't where mummy is, alright? Mummy is in here," he pointed to Clara's heart, and watched as she smiled. "Mummy is in both of our hearts forever, and she is our guardian angel. You never have to feel alone, little love, because Mummy and Daddy are always with you." When he finished he only had to wait a moment before Clara responded. She turned to him, and placed her little hand over his heart. "Mama?" She asked in her little voice. He placed his larger hand over hers, and choked back yet another sob as he took in the wonder of his amazing daughter.

"Yes Clara...Mama's here in our hearts, always."

There were a few heartbeats of silence before Clara got up, and started wandering around; crawling through the grass and playing with the wildflowers that were around them. John smiled, "Alright, darling I think you've had enough." Honestly he was surprised her short attention span had gotten them this far. His sweet little darling...she may be perceptive, but she was only barely one.

John took a moment before standing to wipe his tears away, and collect himself. After he got himself off the ground, he gathered Clara in his arms, and turned towards Mrs. Hughes. As he turned he noticed she had already sensed what was going on and was walking towards them.

"Would you mind taking Clara for a moment, Mrs. Hughes? I would just...just like a moment."

"Of course, Mr. Bates. You take all the time you need." She took Clara from him, and he watched the two giggling together. "Let's go, my wee one. Do you want to go see the birds?" Clara clapped as the pair set off in the direction of the bench. He knew that would keep her occupied for a while.

Once they were settled, John turned back to his wife's grave.

It was such a strange feeling, being here. It felt..._wrong_ somehow. Here he was, living and breathing while his young, and once vibrant wife laid under his feet...buried away. Her body that he had loved so many days and nights; that he had kissed and held so tenderly and passionately. How was this right? How was this fair?

He looked to the inscription on the stone, 'Anna May Bates. Beloved Wife and Mother.' A mother who had never known the joys of their daughters laugh, or the feeling of holding her in her arms for more than a few short minutes. A mother who had endured all the hardships of pregnancy and labor, but with none of the benefits of raising that child she had fought so hard to have. He was comforted by the fact that he knew she was with them, but it wasn't enough. She deserved to live this. She deserved to know the feeling of Clara's hugs and kisses. To feel the warmth of her laughter, or the tiny soft breaths she let out when she slept in his arms. It wasn't fair. John felt the tears fall freely down his cheeks once again, and he did nothing to stop them. Sitting back down on the ground he started to speak to her through his tears.

"Anna, my beautiful love...I miss you so much." He sobbed. "How has it been a year since you left us? I can't begin to fathom that I'll feel this emptiness in my heart and soul till the end of my days... that I'll miss you forever. It's hard to believe really." He took his handkerchief from his pocket and wiped the tears away, only to make room for more.

"We are alright, I promise you. Clara...she keeps me going, love. She is so much like you, it baffles me quite often how she has taken after you. Not just her beauty, but her personality too. I'm sure I will see it more and more as she grows." He smiled at the thought of that. "Sometimes I wonder…if she was made in your image to help me. She is such a comfort to me, Anna." He stopped a moment to collect himself before going on.

"She loves for me to read to her, just like you did. And I tell her stories about us every night just like you asked me too. I always keep my promises, love. God, I miss you so much Anna. Sometimes I don't think I can handle the pain that comes with missing you, but then just when I am clinging to my sanity, that beautiful daughter of ours...she shows me the light. I would give anything to have you back, darling. But I thank you for Clara. I hope I am doing a good job with her...I hope I can raise her to be kind, and loving like you…." He lowered his head, tears overwhelming him as he spoke his next words in a near whisper, "I hope you are proud."

He let the pain wash over him for a brief moment, sobs shaking him to his core, before he gathered himself together. Leaning forward he ran his hand across her name.

"I will love you for all eternity, my Anna. All I ask is that you wait for me. One day I will leave this world behind; when our daughter is older, perhaps married with children of her own." He cringed at the thought. "When that day comes I want you to take me with you. To wherever you are so we can spend our forever, together. Love, you know I'm not a religious man, but from the moment I met you I knew heaven had to exist. How else could you explain being face to face with an angel on earth?" He smiled. "And now you are a guardian angel in every sense of the word. I know you are here with us, I feel you in everything we do. I see you in Clara...I see you interact with Clara. You told me once to never doubt…well darling I am here to tell you, I never doubt for a moment that you are by our side. I love you, my Anna." John closed his eyes for a moment as he felt the warmth of Anna surrounding him. He relished in the feeling of her, so much so that he could almost smell her...even feel the brush of her lips across his cheek. The moment ended far too quickly, but he was left with the reassurance of her presence with them.

Wiping the last of his tears, John turned and saw that Clara was toddling over to him on wobbly feet, Mrs. Hughes walking behind her holding her little hands to steady her. She was walking as fast as her little chubby legs would allow, and he broke out into a wide grin as he watched her determined little face. He lowered himself and held his arms open for her.

"Oh, little love, you are doing so good! Walk to Dada now, come on." He cooed to her and watched as she giggled making her way closer to him. Mrs. Hughes giving her encouragement as well as John only made her more determined. When they finally reached him, John gathered her in his arms, lifting her above his head and smiling as she peeled off a series of giggles. When he brought her back down he heard her little words mixed in with her laughs.

"Dada, Gigi." She repeated the words as she pointed. She had recently taken to calling Mrs. Hughes 'Gigi' which the housekeeper thought was the most adorable thing she had ever heard.

"Yes love, Dada and Gigi are both here and we are about to head back home, what do you say about that?"

"Dada." She pointed to John. "Gigi." She gestured towards Mrs. Hughes. "And Mama...go bye bye!" She clapped after pointing to the air next to John.

John and Mrs. Hughes shared a knowing look as both smiled to each other, and shook their heads.

John caressed his little girl's blonde locks, and kissed her forehead. "You will be getting tired soon, little love. It's been a big day. I see a good night's sleep before us." He said smiling. "Mrs. Hughes?"

"Go on, I'll be just behind you." Mrs. Hughes said quietly after kissing Clara on her cheek. John understood in that moment that she wanted some time alone as well. He gave a simple nod, and a gracious thank you for everything before him and Clara made their way towards home.

* * *

"Didn't I tell you? They are getting on just fine, my dear girl. You don't have to worry about a thing. I'll keep an eye on them...but then…" Mrs. Hughes smiled, before turning to walk back. "I'm sure you are keeping an eye on them as well."


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N:** Happy Saturday! Thank you again to everyone who has reviewed/followed/favorited this story.

We are moving right along. From here on out we will be jumping a few years in each chapter. In this particular one, Clara is three years old.

What will happen when John gets an unexpected letter addressed to Anna? Will he be able to handle being faced with someone from their past?

Hope you all enjoy this chapter, and please leave a review! xx

**Disclaimer:** Same as chapter 1-6.

* * *

Days passed like seconds, and weeks like minutes at Downton Abbey. Before John could even turn around twice they were celebrating Clara's second birthday. Then he turned around again, and it was her third. He could hardly believe his baby was three already. It didn't seem fair for her to be growing up so fast. But growing she was, like a weed.

Over the past few years Clara's vocabulary had grown significantly. Her little babbles became words, and her words quickly turned into phrases, which were making sentences. It was the most remarkable thing John had ever witnessed; watching her learn, and grow. Clara was thriving in the nursery at Downton, and was hugely popular with the downstairs staff as well as the family. She took after her mother when it came to her social skills...she certainly didn't get it from him, and he thought back on all the times Anna teased him for being anti-social. Clara, like Anna, always greeted everyone with a smile and a laugh. Even Thomas had taken up with the bubbly little girl, even if he did try to feign disinterest, John had witnessed him smiling at her antics on several occasions. He never let on that he had seen anything, but let it reassure him that the man was in fact human like the rest of them.

Every night after they had eaten their supper and had their baths, John and Clara would settle down in bed. She would always climb into his lap, and say, "stowwy daddy!" The sound of her little voice melted his heart every time. He could never refuse her anything. Every night he chose a different story about Anna, and every time Clara would listen with rapt attention. She soaked up his every word like a sponge, and would always insist on more when he was finished. Her pleas for more stories were usually stifled by yawns, and she never argued when John told her it was time to sleep.

John had finally moved Clara to her room across the hall. It had been difficult at first, very difficult...for both of them, but it was for the best. She couldn't very well sleep in a crib in his room for the rest of her life, and as much as he'd dreaded the thought, he needed to learn to sleep alone again. He missed hearing her talk to herself as she fought off sleep, and the sound of her tiny snores when she did give in. He kept both of their doors open so that there were no barriers between them, in case she needed him in the night. He knew that probably seemed silly to some people, but it reassured him.

* * *

Life remained relatively uneventful for John and Clara, until one morning not long after Clara's third birthday when a letter came in the mail...addressed to Anna. Mrs. Hughes gave it to him privately, unsure of how he would handle it. He was thankful for that kindness since it did set him back a little, but he opened the letter with the slightly familiar writing on the front. Mrs. Hughes stood quietly while he read over the letter.

"It's from Gwen." John said quietly, and Mrs. Hughes covered her mouth with her hand.

"Oh Mr. Bates...she has been living in London. She didn't hear...I should have sent word to her, I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault. I didn't think of it either." John replied solemnly.

"What does she say?"

"She is well, she's expecting….she is going to be in the area next week, and she wants to meet in Ripon. I forgot Anna wrote to her while she was pregnant, she wants to see me, and the baby as well." He sighed...little did she know they were the only two she would be seeing. Dear Gwen; John always liked her, and she and Anna had maintained their friendship long after Gwen left to pursue her career. He knew she would be devastated to learn of Anna's passing, but given the opportunity he would rather tell her in person than through a letter.

He carefully folded the letter, and placed it in his coat pocket.

"I will take Clara, and meet with Gwen next week. She said in the letter she would be there on Wednesday since it was Anna's half day. That's mine as well, so it works out." He spoke quietly.

"Will you be alright just the two of you? I could go with you if you need the support."

He turned, and smiled. He swore this woman's heart grew 3 sizes everyday with the way she cared for them.

"Thank you Mrs. Hughes. You have no idea how much that means to me, but this is something I need to do just Clara and I."

She silently nodded, and gave him a smile as he left her sitting room. He made his way straight to the nursery. He wasn't ashamed to admit it when he simply needed a hug from his daughter….and right now, that was exactly what he needed.

* * *

A week flew by, and before they knew it Wednesday was upon them. Gwen had been very specific in her letter as to timing, and where to they would meet anticipating that Anna would not have time to write her back at such short notice. John had taken special care that morning getting Clara ready. He never had to fight to get her dressed, she loved to wear different clothes, and have her hair done. Although he was no expert at hair or "piggy tews" as she so adorably called them...he was working on it, and slowly learning.

As they set off for the village to catch the bus to Ripon, John explained to Clara where they were going, and why.

"Darling, we are going to meet one of mummy's friends. Her name is Gwen, and she is very nice."

"Like 'aisy?" He laughed, Clara adored Daisy.

"Yes, she's nice like Daisy." He smiled down at her.

"Can we goes to the stowwy shop, daddy?" She asked, patting his cheek, and tilting her head...God, she looked just like Anna when she did that. He could never refuse her anything, and she was quickly catching on to the fact that she had him wrapped around her little finger. Her request made him smile….he was proud that his daughter shared his affinity for books. She loved for him to read to her, when he wasn't telling her stories about her mummy.

"I'll tell you what, little love. You be good while we visit with Gwen, and I will take you to the story shop after tea."

"Yay!" She clapped, and hugged him. "I wuv you, Daddy."

"I love you too, little love." He kissed her on her chubby little cheek.

The pair chatted constantly all the way to Ripon. Clara loved to talk, and John loved to listen to her. As they stepped off the bus she quieted down, knowing that they were at their destination. She had never really met anyone outside of Downton, so he was unsure of how she was going to react to meeting Gwen. His nerves took flight at the thought of having to explain to Gwen what happened. Pulling Clara just a little bit closer to him, they made their way towards the tea shop where Gwen was waiting for them.

Walking inside John immediately caught sight of Gwen sitting on the opposite side of the room. He smiled to himself as he noticed that she hadn't changed a bit. It didn't take long for her to spot them as well, and she stood to greet them with an overwhelming smile on her face. Clara promptly buried her face into his neck. John tried to smile back as they walked towards the table, but memories of Anna and Gwen together were flooding his mind; making it difficult to focus. He took a deep breath when they finally reached her, pushed the memories down, and greeted their old friend.

"Gwen, it is so good to see you." He said, kindly.

"It is so good to see you too, Mr. Bates. It's been so long." He noticed her looking behind him...looking for Anna.

"Gwen, this is our daughter Clara. Clara can you say hello to mummy's friend?" Clara turned to face this new stranger, but kept her head firmly against John's shoulder.

"Hello." Clara said, so softly that they could hardly hear her, but he could tell Gwen was already enchanted by his Clara...it was hard not to be.

"Hello little beauty. Oh Mr. Bates she looks so like Anna." Gwen paused, and John braced himself for what was coming. "Where is Anna? Is she running behind today?"

The clouds descended around them, and John felt the smile fall from his face. He silently shook his head at Gwen so as not to alert Clara, and watched as realization slowly settled over Gwen.

She covered her mouth as the tears welled up in her eyes, and John felt he had to look away at the display of grief in Anna's dear friend.

"Oh Mr. Bates...I'm...I'm so sorry." Gwen choked on the words, and John thought that had they not been in this tea shop he would have hugged her. Fortunately Clara chose this moment to emerge from her cocoon of shyness. She reached for Gwen who took her in her arms willingly, and smiled through her tears.

"Don't cwyy Gwen." Clara said softly before giving her a loving hug. John found he couldn't keep his tears at bay at the sight before him. Gwen looked at him over the shoulder of his precious daughter, and smiled.

"She is her mother through and through." She whispered to him.

John wiped his tears away, and replied simply. "That she is."

The trio sat in the quaint little tea shop, and talked for hours. There was so much to catch up on. After John had told Gwen a very censored version of what happened to Anna...not wanting to alarm Clara...they had moved on to lighter topics. Namely her life in London, the family she was starting with her husband, and Clara. After overcoming her initial shyness Clara had taken right up with Gwen. He knew she would. Gwen and Anna had been thicker than thieves in their day as housemaids. After chatting their ears off for some time Clara had fallen fast asleep in Gwen's lap, to which Gwen could only smile. This was when they decided to talk about Anna. John had to be careful what he said around his daughter now, she was a sponge the way she could absorb the conversations around her….and she often repeated them. She was too young to be burdened with the facts just yet.

Gwen's face turned solemn as she played with Clara's blonde curls. "I can't believe she's gone." She whispered.

"I find it hard to believe myself." He responded just as quietly. "It happened so fast, and out of nowhere. It had been a difficult labor, but they assured me that was normal with the first. Then…" He couldn't finish, and he looked up to see Gwen fighting back sobs. He immediately remembered her situation, and felt horrible. "Gwen I am so sorry. How very insensitive of me. Please don't let what happened to Anna frighten you."

"No it's alright, Mr. Bates….if it's our time to go then I believe there is nothing more to it. It just breaks my heart that she doesn't get to see this beauty grow up."

John had to smile. "Oh I think she does." He didn't have to give Gwen all the details, but he could give her some. "We feel her with us all the time. Before she passed she told me that she would always be with us, and you know what a determined woman she was." They laughed together at the memories. He sighed as his eyes landed on his sleeping daughter. "Anna wouldn't let a thing like death keep her from watching her daughter grow up."

"I quite agree." Gwen responded. "You are doing a wonderful job with her. She really is lovely, and so much like Anna."

"Thank you, she has been a great comfort to me over the past three years. It's an amazing thing, being a parent, I highly recommend it." John gave Gwen a reassuring smile, which she returned.

They both noticed the hour growing late, and John knew they needed to get going if they were going to catch the bus back to Downton. He insisted on walking Gwen back to the inn she was staying at. It was growing dusky outside, and even though Ripon was a safe town, he was not about to let her walk it alone at this time. Clara stayed asleep bundled in Gwen's arms as they walked. She insisted on carrying her, and he let her not knowing when they would get to see her again. When they reached the inn Gwen roused Clara so they could say goodbye.

"Why you have to go?" Clara asked sadly, rubbing the sleep from her eyes.

"I have to go back to London, darling. And you and your daddy need to get home before it gets too late. I will tell you what, I promise to come and visit you if you promise to send me pretty pictures in the post. Is it a deal?" Gwen smiled, and Clara looked like she had just been given a piece of pure gold.

Clapping, and giggling she said. "Yes! Pwomise!"

"Very good." Gwen laughed. "I so look forward to it." Giving Clara a hug, and kiss on the cheek she handed her back to John.

"It was so good seeing you today." John told her, and they hugged each other with Clara between them.

"Please keep in touch, Mr. Bates. I would love to hear from you both, keep up with how you are doing. And if you ever find yourselves in London please let me know."

"Of course we will do that, and you let us know how you do as well. Especially when the little one arrives. I don't think Clara would have it any other way, would you darling?" He tickled her belly, and she laughed.

"I wuv Aunty Gwen, Daddy." They all laughed.

"And I love you, little one." Gwen replied.

They turned as they heard the bus approaching around the corner. They said their final goodbyes, and confirmed their promises to keep in touch as they parted ways. John knew this wasn't just a fleeting promise. He would keep in touch with Gwen. Any connection to Anna he could grasp, he would cherish.

It wasn't even five minutes into the bus ride that Clara was sound asleep once again with her head on his shoulder. Pulling her closer, John breathed in her scent, and watched the dusky landscape pass outside the window.

* * *

Clara had woken up on the journey from the village to the cottage, and asked to walk. John was silently thankful; as much as he loved carrying her around knowing that he wouldn't be able to do it for much longer, it was starting to take a toll on his bad leg today. He slowed his pace as he held her little hand and let her walk next to him, watching the path carefully to make sure she avoided any obstacles in the road.

When they finally arrived home it was well past 9 o'clock, and after the busy day they'd had he hoped they could eat a quick dinner and go to bed. However Clara's late nap meant she was a ball full of energy. He settled her in their small living room with her dolls, and left her to play while he made them something to eat, and himself some tea. He could hear her laughing, and talking as she played and he couldn't keep the grin from lighting up his tired face. He adored listening to her. Her tiny voice brightened his life more than any sunshine ever could. As he stood there cutting up some leftover meat pie for Clara, he heard a humming come from the living room. A humming that was very familiar to him, and made his heart melt with love...then as realization dawned on him it made him freeze solid in the middle of the kitchen.

_Anna._

There was no mistaking it. He had heard her humming that particular tune too many times to be wrong. What kind of tricks was his mind playing on him now? Leaving the pie forgotten on the counter he made his way to the living room only to be stopped again at the sight he found there. Clara was twirling around like a regular ballerina all over the floor. Her dress billowed out around her as she danced, and she was laughing and smiling in a way that made John think of Anna. As he made his way further into the doorway he noticed that as she twirled she would look over at the chair by the fireplace….as if seeking approval for that particular move she'd just done. She was looking at Anna's chair, and John felt the tears burning. Pushing them down he finally made himself known and sat himself on the couch.

"Look Daddy, I dancing!" She laughed.

"I see that darling, and what a lovely dancer you are indeed." He took a deep breath as Clara collapsed on the floor, breathing heavy and dizzy from all her spinning. He needed to ask her….he had to know. "Little love, there was no music playing...what were you dancing to?"

She picked up one of her dolls, and held it close as she replied without a second thought. "Mummy was singing to me."

With those simple 5 words, Clara confirmed in John's mind what his heart had told him in the kitchen. Anna was humming to their daughter….watching her dance. She was here. John didn't have a chance to brace himself for what his daughter said next.

"Mummy awways sings to me, and she pways with me too. She wuvs my dolly's." John was flabberghasted. He forced himself to pick his jaw up off the floor before he managed to form the words for his next question.

"What else does Mummy do, little love?"

Clara was still watching her doll, running her hands along it's hair and straightening the little dress it was wearing. She continued on with total nonchalance...completely oblivious to the fact that she was sending her father over the edge.

"After you say night night, Mummy comes and gives me a kiss, and says night night too."

John felt a flash of jealousy shoot through him, and root itself in his heart. He had always loved the connection Clara shared with Anna, ever since she was a tiny baby, but now….now she was interacting with her. Talking to her. Kissing her goodnight. All the things that he would never get to do again, and he was so jealous he couldn't see straight. His vision blurred with unshed tears, and he felt anger boiling up inside of him. Why? Why did Clara get to experience these things, and not him? He stood abruptly, and Clara looked up at him.

"Come on Clara it's time for dinner." He said sharper than he'd intended. Clara hugged her doll, and walked after him into the kitchen, and took her seat at the table, climbing into her little booster seat in silence.

The silence drug on all the way through dinner, and bath time. He read to her like he did every night, but it lacked his usual enthusiasm. Clara didn't say a word, allowing him to brood much like her mother used to do. After he finished her story he couldn't seem to let her go. She was curled up in his lap half asleep, and John felt compelled to ask her one more thing.

"Clara, why didn't you tell me before about Mummy kissing you goodnight?"

She didn't look him, instead he noticed her arms tighten around her little bear she always slept with. When she spoke it was quitely.

"Mummy towd me not to tell you." He lifted her up to see her lip was puckered, and she had large tears rolling down her face.

John felt the jealousy wash away; quickly replaced by guilt as he gathered his crying daughter in his arms, and hugged her tightly. "Oh darling. Shhh...Daddy's not upset with you. Shhh little love, it's alright." He rocked her until she settled with her head against his chest. The sound of her quiet snubbing filled the room, and John felt terrible.

"Daddy is so sorry, little love. I didn't mean to make you sad." He sat her up so she had to look at him. "You did nothing wrong, Clara, do you understand?" Her lip shook as she nodded her head yes. "I'm sorry I was grumpy tonight. I'm so glad that mummy kisses you good night." He smiled at her, and watched as she smiled back at him. Feeling confident that she was reassured he moved off the bed, and bent over to tuck her in. As he gave her a kiss on her forehead she spoke again.

"Daddy?"

"Yes darling?"

"Mummy gives you night night kisses too. She towd me." Clara smiled, and John felt like his heart would beat right out of his chest. Swallowing passed the lump that had formed in his throat; he told Clara good night and he loved her, and quickly made his way to his room. Dropping onto the bed he cried himself to sleep. His mind filled with questions of why….

* * *

John hadn't been asleep very long when he felt a soft hand running down his cheek, and a weight on the bed next to him. Opening his eyes, his breath left him. It was Anna. She was here...but how?

"Anna?" He whispered, not believing what was happening. He moved his hand over hers on his face, and felt her warmth. He choked back tears as he smiled at her.

"Yes, my love." She replied in her perfect voice.

John knew that he was dreaming, but he didn't care.

"Why are you here?" He asked...not that he was complaining.

"I never left, John. I'm always here." She was stroking the side of his face with her thumb, and John had to the fight the urge to close his eyes, afraid she would be gone when he opened them again.

"I felt like you needed some reassurance after what happened tonight." She said quietly, and he nodded. "John I'm sorry that I can't come to you like this all the time, I wish I could but….it's different with Clara."

"Because she's young?" John asked, feeling the stirrings of jealousy again.

"That is a factor, yes. As she gets older I will be with her in different ways, much like with you. But also…."

"What is it, Anna?"

"John, you and I, we had so many happy memories together. You have memories of me to keep you, Clara doesn't have that. I want her to have that. Do you understand, love?"

He did understand, and he was thankful that Clara would have memories of Anna. Grasping her hand in his he confirmed his thoughts. "Yes, love. I understand. I miss you so much Anna." He whispered.

"I miss you too, but I'm always with you, John. Never forget that. I love you so much."

John knew he was about to wake up, he could feel it, and he could see her fading.

"I love you too, Anna." Her glorious smile was still shining in his mind as he was pulled into consciousness. Placing his hand over his cheek where hers had been, he smiled as he still felt the remnants of her touch there. Closing his eyes he felt her warmth surrounding him.

"Forever, my darling. Forever." He whispered into the night air, knowing she would hear him. She always did. With her comfort around him he fell back into a peaceful sleep.

As Anna sat on the side of the bed watching her husband sleep soundly, a smile still on his face, she couldn't resist the temptation to run her fingers through his tousled hair.

"Sleep, my love. You have made me so proud. I knew you would be a wonderful father darling, just like you were the perfect husband. Never doubt John, because you know I don't." She smiled at him, continuing to caress his hair, and face. "I love you….forever." Anna remained at his side for the rest of the night, only fading with the rising of the sun. As she did, she gave him a soft kiss on his forehead, and whispered in his ear. "I'm never far away, you need only to close your eyes and feel me here. I'll be waiting for you." Her hushed declaration drifted through the air, straight into his heart. With a smile John opened his eyes to a new day filled with more hope, reassurance, and love than he had felt in a long time. He knew it was all down to her. As he moved to sit up on the side of the bed he could hear that Clara was still sleeping, and chuckled at her tiny snores coming from across the hall. Anna's words radiated in his head, and as he closed his eyes he felt her there. Smiling, he placed his hand on his cheek and whispered, "Thank you, my love."

With that he rose, and together the three of them began a new day.


End file.
